I like to reference Marge’s description of her sisters from The Simpsons: “It’s Patty who has chosen a life of celibacy. Selma has simply had celibacy thrust upon her.”

I didn’t choose celibacy, celibacy chose me. I miss sex but I’m also like Cher from Clueless: “You’ve seen how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.”

I’m trying to work my way toward embracing it, since apparently I will be stuck here forever, but... it is not going well.

*laughs aristocratically*

Yeah, I periodically “enjoyed” celibacy during my late 20's and early 30's too. By “enjoyed” I mean went on many terrible dates, drank way too much, went through a crushing depression, was angry all the time, longed for the touch of another person, stagnated creatively and professionally, and much much more.

Celebrities, they’re just like us!

Jolie is fucking the Guru in 5.....4......3.......2......

I am totally embracing celibacy too, whether I want it or not.

Celibacy does not embrace back.

This is a scene generated by studio notes.

Take away that one Superbowl, and he is still the sorry Jets coach that had to go to college.

To be fair, like most Seahawks fans, he may have only started watching football 5 years ago. In that brief span of history, they may very well have been the best defensive team. The 85 Bears and 2000 Ravens, hell even the 2015 Broncos, were far better.

“There we were, one fucking yard from rubbing it in Brady’s dumb pretty boy face and cementing ourselves as a dynasty with the greatest defense of all time...”

Hey man, gotta keep it pure for your second wife, who already has a kid by another dude.  

Your quarterback: He’s somewhere in there...

And he DGAF what your gender studies professor says. 

The 12s are by far the worst fanbase in the league. Worse than the Patriots glory boy motherfuckers, worse than sanctimonious Cheeseheads, worse than the racist Terrible Towel waving morons (who get more openly racist with each IC Light and every perceived error committed by Mike Tomlin), and worse than Raider Nation,…

The best part of the Seahawks’ recent success is how Boeing has spent millions of dollars adopting the team as its own. Now all these blind Seahawks fans talk about their love for a company that has done everything in its power to screw over the region and move jobs to right-to-work states. They’re rooting for their…

Carroll’s “Tell the Truth Monday” must get really interesting whenever the topic of steel beams comes up.

It’s amazing the Seahawks still seem emotionally scarred after Super Bowl 49. It’s been a few years now.

Magazines are such a double-edged sword once you remember the real products are the readers and the buyers are advertisers.