I’ve read that because he’s so obese and sweaty he doesn’t have sleeves on his shirts. They’re all like vests with fake sleeves.

Why do you reply to yourself so often?

Texas is Cruzing for a bluesing

Jesus, it’s like you’re trying to win a medal for pretentiousness. You are fucking insufferable.

Just turned 30 last week, and while it really upsets me that my generation eats Tide Pods, goddamnit, it INFURIATES me that Tide is allowed to make them look so delicious. How are we supposed to not eat them?

Makes sense. Gotta wear something to balance out the body temp when you refuse to use bedsheets like a fucking animal.

“I call him Avacado Toast. Come, Avacado Toast! Here, boy!”

Yeah. I’m 34, but apparently I like to eat brightly colored detergents.

Also, is this guy even capable of communicating ideas without insulting some group or individual?

Real thugs wear shitty suits.

I’m a pretty enthusiastic cook but about once a month I pick up a big box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its® and make that dinner. Paired with only the finest $10/1.5 litre bottle of Pinot Grigio, of course, because then it’s Turtle Time.

It’s like Bernie Madoff saying that maybe you’ve stolen a little too much.

But the sex scenes will still be awkward and terrible.

Stephen King is running for Governor of Maine

Okay, some of this I wanted to say last night, but I’m always cautious going in on this stuff!

In Frank’s defense, he was all out of gas and grass.

This Frank Stallone guy sounds familiar. Wasn’t he arrested once for giving Ted Nugent a blow job at a rest stop?

Vicente Fox absolutely skewers Trump on Twitter. It is a joy to behold.

I’d settle for a normal stroke for 45.