I’m really baffled by the moral red lines that have been drawn over this issue.

I used to see spiders descending from the ceiling and rotten severed heads floating over me when I slept on my back, which I think was probably related to apnea. 

Ryan Adams is a delightful weirdo who should be appreciated for what he is. When his PR people don’t shoo him away from his social media accounts, they’re things of immense joy. He once narrated his European tour with pictures of cats.

“At least we’re not the Kings” is the current motto of the Phoenix Suns 

I had a friend who swears he had shadow persons who would watch him sleep at night for years. 

That’s a perfect description of Suns fans nowadays! At least with Hinkie’s shit Sixers teams the fans always maintained an irrational level of hope for the future. Now we’re just stoked to maybe have a 30 win team if we can play a non-G-League point guard most of the season.

My solution is to own a Lenovo, which thanks to its poor manufacture is rendered largely unusable 50% of the time. If I can’t access my files because they’re deleted, I just don’t care, because I couldn’t see them anyway! 

Many of those places are cripplingly expensive once you get there. I suppose if you save on the flight you can afford to splurge a bit on accommodations and food. 

1. Once while living in the Middle East, I booked a ticket home for my summer break. I had intended to go back for one month and then come back to get some work done. I typed in the proper return date in Expedia, but they nullified it and made me click on a calendar to select it again. Like a fool, I didn’t bother to…

Alas, I think this is actual writing from a real human intern.

This series needs to be accompanied by a historian, whose primary role would be to point out how these laws are violated constantly, often by the ones who conceived of them in the first place.

That might also be an early stage anthrax lesion

I’ve lucked out by living an average of 7,000 miles from my high school. I don’t mind most of the friends I still connect with via facebook, but I’m not sure I want to narrate my weird life story for several hours over alcohol, defend my choice to live in allegedly dangerous places, hear about cross-fit and whatever…

This is the Flake conundrum. He will take a stand on principle, but do so in the most chickenshit manner possible so that it has no meaningful consequences. You wonder if the millions he stands to make once he retires are being held ransom unless he plays nice for the next month or two. 

I desperate times I’ve been known to cut off big chunks of visible blue mold and then toast the bread to kill off the flavor of the mold. This is probably no safer, but at least I can’t taste my toxins. 

Totally. After more than half a decade in Beirut, the parasites living inside of me are powerful enough to defeat any new pathogen that invades their territory. They let me live because I keep feeding them pizza periodically.

We should really step back and admire this innovation in white saviorism - for the first time, it seems to be targeting other white people! This probably attracts the well-meaning types who nevertheless use “the” in conjunction with racial, ethnic or social adjectives and oppose police shootings, but get nervous…

I think this qualifies as “trying to catch a falling knife”

Shots are a form of social torture that unite people in suffering. They aren’t supposed to be nice - if they were, they’d be served in lowball glasses and sipped.

My friends and I once did a “dive bar tour” of our shady ass neighborhood. We picked DDs (the lucky ones) and hit four bars, had one drink, and then had one…

Really, all we’re doing is shuffling the lowest common denominator here.