It is the first time a man blames a woman for his actions so that must be true.

“No, it’s a Neapolitan, please try to be serious.”

I meet Jackie Chan when i was like 8 in Hong Kong at the Jockey Club. Prior to meeting him I had spilled ketchup all over my shirt. He jokingly asked where was that guy that I beat up and was it because he was trying to steal my french fries. He then joked that I should act in one of film’s since the sight of blood…

Speaking of the great Meryl Streep, i’ll never forget the words she once said to me: “Never park in my spot again.”

Does everyone in your timeline have a goatee beard?

“I’d ride you so hard you’d forget the concept of human speech and also just start shitting on the ground and rolling in it making eek eek noises like an ape with less dignity.”

I have never met anyone who was actually A-List famous, but I like to hope that I would be entirely cool and behave as if they were just any old private citizen. Because I get exceedingly upset when people expect me to be impressed with them, and I think my plan would veer any celebrity encounter off that path.

I’m thinking that’s actually when he did a bit of soul-searching and experienced deep regret that he didn’t go with the roman shades.

“Sir, is that a venetian in your hoodie?”

That look on his face when he catches himself in the mirror is so fucking good.

This bums me out. It makes me feel bad for all the people that really are victims of sexual assault.

As the locals would say, he robbed them blind.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard your dick will deflate like a sad balloon for for a week.”

PSA to sexting men everywhere: post-coital soreness is the risk we accept for enthusiastic sex, not our motivation to have it.

This is the best and most random thing I have seen all day. Bless you.

I live in Québec. Pro-lifers aren’t unheard of here, but are roundly ignored. When I was at university there were a couple of pro-life rallies where they bussed in Americans. Even then, their protests never worked out and they were always outnumbered by counter-protesters. There are more conservative pockets in Canada…