My sushi is always cooked. Raw rice sounds horrible.

Kansas secretary of state Kris W. Kobach

Why did you make “FPS” possessive?

As he settles down, they bring him a Diet Coke

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Sam Taylor Johnson—the man who directed Fifty Shades of Grey

Less Miley, more Melissa:

That’s not funny. She may have Marfan.

Double tofuburger!

Klonopin ... and Adderall

fake Famicom games.

What can you do? Sometimes you hear a funny joke and you laugh too hard.

The person who was the primary and sole cause

Should’ve taken the zamboni, kids.

Fewer guns, more RPGs.

I think you can tell.

Corinthians 2: Electric Boogaloo

I’m not sure what expletive Sophie did say, but it’s clearly more than two syllables.

Well there’s your problem. A turn signal indicates your intent. Nothing more.

Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but those aren’t phones in the photo. Just look at the big, ugly, coily wires. Everyone knows phones are wireless.