With fraudulent debit card charges, you’re fighting to get your money back. With credit cards, you’re fighting to keep the money that is still yours.

Depressingly, they aren’t frequently swayed by things like facts.

Sometimes the free market needs to take a backseat to helping people.

If you ain’t Dutch, you ain’t much.

The hum is actually part of a much larger “hmmmmmm...” the Earth is making as it tries to decide whether to kill us now with volcanoes or just let us kill ourselves with global warming.

Forget that. I’m going to pull a Costanza on those kids.

On the contrary, you need to holiday proof your kid. I make sure my house is a festive yet secular death trap so kids know they’re not welcome.

We celebrate both holidays fully, but we also pick a day between for Chranukkah. (Pronounced Chonic-ah). It’s a day for misbehaving, and I aim to misbehave.

Lots of identical anti-net neutrality comments. I found people with my name in different towns with identical letters.

This is the equivalent of writing “THIS LEG” before a knee surgery and the doctor thinking “Eh, better do the other leg just to be safe.”

When dealing with older conservative relatives, I’ve found that all you have to do is tell them their cable/internet bill will go up. They’re already enraged by the price they pay to watch NCIS and this is salt in the wound.

Shouldn’t the FAA have rules against throwing any kind of shit out of airplanes? If someone can throw a live turkey, can they throw a frozen one?

I’d be curious if ginger, dramamine, etc would help.

And thus began the Gene Wars

You can’t unsee the one male being eaten from the bottom up. His midsection extended out of her mouth as the, god help me, still living mantis flailed its arms about and rolled its head in agony.

Everyone has their talent, I suppose. Public toilets are a special kind of hell. First I wrap the flush sensor with toilet paper so it can’t flush while in use. Then I use a fist full of toilet paper to scrub down the toilet. Sometimes the floor in front of the toilet too.

Have a solid stance because that dog is going to jump into you. And if you get knocked down, that dog is going to hump you.

Could endorphin release also be a reason for picking? Same basic idea as cutting but 1/1,000,000,000th the scale?

Hey dawg, I heard you like diabetes, so I put some diabetes in your diabetes.

Local uber drivers should just put up her picture with “thief” written under it in their cars. It seems like other punishments aren’t feasible, so we might as well Uber-Shame her.