I need a shower.

He’s short, he’s Canadian, and he simply cannot be touched.

Similarly I wish you would just shut up already. 

I’m not friends with either of them, and this is why.

Many years ago, I accidentally pressed the scroll lock key and could not figure out why the arrow keys caused my excel spreadsheet to scroll rather than moving focus from cell to cell. The IT guy laughed at me.

DeMarcus then broke his wrist hanging up the phone, and 9 months from now, his whole arm will fall off.

Someone with no kids voluntarily joining a two-day road trip with a family that includes 1- and 4-year-olds is one of the craziest fucking things I’ve ever heard. After about hour eight, he’ll probably call ahead to a urologist in Florida and schedule a vasectomy before even returning home to Chicago.

I mean, that’s a pretty standard response to anyone who asks if they can bring their kid to your wedding, when it clearly says no children on the invite. Don’t care if you’re a Cousin, no kids!

You okay, man? Need a glass of water or something?

My wife bought me 12 new pairs of boxers for my birthday, which I was legitimately excited about; as the old pairs had been through a lot, but my excitement was quickly turned to disappointment as I saw they were button fly boxers...  Had to explain to her why this was a bad present now and that no, it’s not the same…

As long as this device’s accuracy and reliability stand up to independent peer review, I’m fine with this. This makes legal recreational weed closer to reality and it’s a step forward in keeping people accountable for their vices.

I’m a millennial that thankfully isn’t as destitute as all the rest claim to be on Twitter, but it’s still a solid $200 for me, wife, and toddler to go to a ballgame between tickets, bullshit “convenience fees” online, parking, and food. Going to a game has become a once, maybe twice a year thing for our family,…

It’s good because I knew from the start that is was coming, and it still managed to deliver. “Turf toe” was perfect pitch. The Magary-style aggressive capitalization works, too.

It is not a sport for weak men. He never should have taken all that money if he knew he was just going to run away from the sport, with his tail between his legs, because he got a couple of booboos. Football is for real MEN and not these entitled CHILDREN who want their paychecks without giving it everything they…

An MLS blog that is honest about what it is but also complimentary of the entertainment the game provided?

*Checks author*

I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite a while.

Maybe, according to Dan Dakich, we pay our football players too much. A cursory google search shows that Andrew Luck has made about $50,000,000 in his “brief” NFL career. Clearly more than enough to retire comfortably on.

Dan Dakich’s family members who are steel mill workers, cops and teachers make considerably less…

I assure you, Lord Vader, my man is working as fast as he can

But will it be completed on schedule?