I’m sober and I want one.

unfortunately

Inflatable life-size Ben Wallace. Best pool boy ever.

July 29, 2006. The Orange County Fair. I somehow snagged free pit tickets to see the Rollins band and X. But beforehand, I gained entry to some exclusive party with a goddamned open bar, free prime rib and other delicacies. I think I had about 5 rum and cokes, and then walked into the show doublefisting margaritas.…

I guess he didn’t care if he ever got back.

After being dead for 18 years, my father in law still has a stalker.

So a week after I started this job, a guy who no longer worked at the publication I worked for died in a car accident. I never met him, and he was a copy editor so it wasn’t like I was familiar in any way with him through what he wrote.
But nevertheless, the EOC said everyone needed to go. So I went. And somehow the…

I am going to keep this one short and sweet.

I was about to say “what is this 1989 and we are wearing press-ons?!” Then I thought “oh yeah, Florida.”

Manager: “Did you get their order right this time?”

AP: “Stay here. Daddy is about to do what he does best.”

I’ve always wanted to ask a murderous religious zealot why they would violate the first commandment to enforce some much more banal rule, and what their god would think of that. Morally it’s so repugnant to me as a secular humanist that I can’t even conceive of his pureile hate-crusted little heart, but even just…

More proof that religion and ANYTHING are completely incompatible...

Wherever you go when you die, I want to think that Rowdy Roddy Piper walked in like this:

Came for the conspiracy theory, stayed for the Master Blaster music.

Simmons, Olbermann, Cowherd - ESPN Departes

George W. Bush: [sits in grade school classroom]
Aide: [tells him 9/11 happened]
Bush: [sits]
Bush: [sits]
Bush: [sits]
Bush: [sits]
Bush: [sits]
Bush: [sits]
Bush: [wonders why it was a day earlier than planned]
Baseball Player: [slams pie in Bush’s face]

*SPOILER ALERT*