Calling my loved ones now and telling them to return any Christmas gifts they may have got me. They can not top this one.

At the point he was going in to make the tackle, it would have been with his shoulder. As Clausen is going forward, Ansah had already lowered his head to make the hit. The game is played at full speed. When a defender is going in, to make a hit on a running QB, he's screwed cause he's more then likely gonna get called…

This was done for the Marion Berry memorial night at Fedex field.

"The player has an 79 overall rating, but Houston is getting a guy with one of those little 3 point symbols under him, so it seems like a fair trade. Now on to Jason with the weather. Jason".

The Best Gift I Ever Got:

No, you guys. Just no. Because one year when I was 15, I got a ventriloquist dummy from my aunt. Why? I've got no fucking clue. I'd never asked for one. Never shown the slightest interest in ventriloquism AT ALL. In fact, ventriloquist dummies freak me out (thanks, Goosebumps!). She must have just seen it and "You…

HEY! Monograms are only for thermoses!

My worst Christmas memory also includes my grandmother...the very last one she was alive for. My father and I drove through a blizzard to pick her up and bring her to our house as she had cried that she couldn't be alone on Christmas. We get back to our house and are opening presents. I hand her one and as she takes…

Growing up, my family and I belonged to a religion that didn't allow most celebrations—Christmas and birthdays included. As such, I went most of my childhood without experiencing either.

My idiot husband informed his mother that we had been thinking of having another child (like not immediately, just that we could possibly not be one and done).

That sensible heel though.

Here, Will. I got a gift for you.

Nailed it, based on comments below. Also this comment actually made me lol and coworkers are looking over here suspiciously.

The best part was that when my mom came to get me after I got fired (I was 16 — I couldn't drive myself yet!) she wanted to stop by the mall on the way home. There was a fancy new store that sold tapes and CDs (! — hey, this was 1986!) opening up, and they were setting up the store. In a fit of bravado I asked if they…

Seriously, you motherfuckers, we have the video of Rice being shot. We know exactly what happened. We fucking saw it. Don't act like everyone who's seen the video doesn't know it was straight-up fucking murder.

This was a grand opening/holiday party at a high end tub and tile showroom I was the receptionist for when I was 18. It was my third day.

I set a supervisor's coat on fire and woke up in the bed of one of the dudes from Vampire Weekend (he was on tour and not present).

Jenny McCarthy is moist just looking at these photos.