A baby bird in the nest that opens its brightly-colored mouth and makes a peep sound will be fed by its parents. It will continue doing this until it is a fully grown bird. Meanwhile, a baby bird that does not do this will starve to death.

And I’d hold your bag while you did it.

Some sales lady told my mom she should wear Spanx under her outfit (The one she was wearing TO THE STORE) this weekend and I was LIVID

*I would beat the bitch, not my mom, just to be clear.

My mom is 70 years old... if some smug bitch did this to her, I swear to god I would beat her senseless.

I am just going to leave this here and let it marinate in the shittiness of the past few months:

Why WHY do the same people who scream about Hillary’s emails not realize this is 100x worse in every way? How can they believe that one is horrible, terrible, unforgivable, OH SO BAD, but this? This is fine. Not real. Fake news.

It’s OK, you guys. The WaPo comment section assures me that this is FAKE NEWS.

Dead to me. She knows what she did.

How can someone be so thirsty with so much water around?

Did you know scallops can swim??

If you ever try to dig for clams with your bare hands (which I have done), you can actually feel them pull away from you and try to escape deeper into the sand. It’s kinda amazing since you usually don’t think of clams as particularly mobile.

I’m betting Heidi never got an apology.

Thanks, kid. Mike Pence also owes me (and every other LGBT person) and every woman in America an apology. But it’s a start.

I’m surprised the students didn’t all just walk out when the president threatened them like that. Damn. Good for them for staying and being disruptive. DeVos certainly deserves it.

Why would they host this incompetent piece of shit? Money has to be involved. Such a slap in the face to all those grads who paid out the ass to be there.

Congratulations, grads. You managed to take one of the more boring experiences of life (sitting and listening to people dispense mindless platitudes about life) and turn it into an exciting event filled with drama and tension. And you got to make Betsy DeVos appear deeply uncomfortable. You kids are awesome, and…

It is also worth noting that Lavrov is named in the Russian dossier the FBI is (was?) investigating, as someone who was actively involved :) Page 28.

I think it’s finally time to stop talking about claiming my Portuguese citizenship and just do it. Even if the EU does break up at least Portugal stays out of wars and I could grow the most amazing tomatoes.