Incognito mode > metered paywall

NOT PICTURED: Mrs Claus smashing the shit out of his sleigh with a six iron.

He calls his prostitution clients his “kids”?!

Melo: “jab and get me off you”

Somewhere, George Karl is beaming with pride.

VIOLENTLY ripped the ball from him? Get the fuck out of here.

“It might be one of mine.”

The other day by 10 year old and I were rough housing. He hit me in the kidney...hard. It stung. He took it too far. He went from play fighting to a solid body shot.

“What’s the problem? I was told to stand here, and wear this hat and jack..... oh shit.”

Asshole didn’t replace his divot.

Well at least now he has a handicap

There’s only one thing to be done: trade him to the Pelicans for 9 conditional 2nd round picks in the years 2049-2057 with the condition that he change his name to N’Awlins.

I thought it was a perfect encapsulation of their careers, actually. Kobe jacking up 50 shots for a lottery team while LA treated him as though he won the NBA Finals was vintage Kobe.

I tried to tweet Dikembe saying I didn’t believe him but he blocked me.

We should all celebrate this golden age of unlimited prosperity from TV contracts by taking in the ESPN Friday Night Doubleheader, which opens with the Lakers/76ers and closes with the Jazz/Mavericks. THE BATTLE FOR THE 14th SEED RAGES ON.

SYSTEM: Press 1 to jump to conclusions. Press 2 to—
CHARLES: *presses 1 immediately*

I want to see Gronks “Austin 3:16" cleats next season

Yes. Write more about things that almost happen.

Curt Schilling tried to have me thrown out of a stadium twice, both on nights he wasn’t pitching (once in Philly, once in Scranton for an exhibition game). I was a little kid and my uncle was high up in the front office, so I got to stand on the field for a minute or two once every few years. The first time, I was…

I was alone in an elevator with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and she farted. I was going to ignore it like a gentleman when she said “woah did somebody step on a duck.” We both laughed and she turned to me and said “no one will ever believe you if you tell this again.” She is one wise lady.