Finally “finished” AC Odyssey, so I bought Red Dead Redemption 2 last night.

That’s the great thing about America. You’re as free to put tropical citrus fruit on your pizza as I am crumbled gorgonzola, bacon, red onions, chicken, banana peppers and hallucinogenic mushrooms like I did that one time in college and I tripped balls it was fucking awesome on mine.

It was a moment of weakness. They were running that “Entire Menu is 50% off if the Yankees score more than six runs in a single game” promotion.

I mean if anything that’s the more authentic version right? We’d all be speaking German right now if the Nazis had won the war.

I made a similar mistake one time when I accidentally clicked “pineapple” instead of “peppers” as a topping selection when I was customizing a pizza I was ordering from Papa John’s online.

There’s an argument made by some writers that it’s at least partially the world’s fault that these listless young men don’t have anything better to do with their time that they turn to organized hate groups to vent their anger and frustration. It’s usually hand-washing bullshit.

I do make use of the animals in cages every time I see them, but would you agree they’re a lot fewer and further between than they were in Origins?

Funny enough for my little jeremiad there I have largely ignored the assassin branch of the skill selection in favor of the warrior set instead - I’ve been kicking ass all the way up to mercenary Tier 2.

This.

One one’s better at cards? Your Arthur or your Geralt?

Hopefully you’re right. Because this sounds insane.

Adios, child-abusing cunt.

How can I admit I was wrong when I feel like I’m correct? How can just I move on when I find this whole banal exchange funny? Don’t you know anything about proper internetmanship?

Yours is facing the left wing, so it’s okay. Meanwhile the Reichsadler and the Baraboo HS emblem are facing the right wing. My theory holds.

The letterhead is a bit suspect too.

With this new development, one again has to wonder what the future of Destiny looks like.

Can we chill on “devour a baby live” as the go-to crossing the Rubicon hypothetical? I’m sure there’s something we can come up with that’s just as reprehensible but a little less savage.

But Día de Muertos skull face paint patterns and Unicorn-themed anything are so 2018 insta-viral, so you just have to buy them if you want to be as straight-up fucking rachet as the other guys in your school.

I hate to use the word, but I can’t think of anything else to call it... It was fucking magical - you pick a fight, just barely win it with your cannons, but you still need to take out the crew, so it’s a whole other bloodbath when you board - there was one time when I took down 4 Spanish dreadnoughts one after the…

Non-exhaustive list of things that make Origins more fun than Odyssey: