thank you (for being a friend)!!

I hear all the kids use the phrase, “Netflix and chill,” these days. Though why anyone wants to watch TV with the window open to the cold night air confuses me.

When my mom was the principal of a reservation school in South Dakota, she used to get phone calls to come and chase cattle off of the playground. Sometimes, the cattle would try to take over before school started. She and other teachers would have to get rid of them. For some reason, that was the place she liked to…

But there’s only one way to pay off those student loans...
By mooooonlighting as an exotic dancer.

Poor thing. He was just going to pick up his degree. He mastered in Farmacowlogy.

That was such a feel-good story. Until it wasn’t.

Penetrate the glass ceiling. Friendzone is where people go when they try to have deep meaningful things with someone who is like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh god. Greater horror: public release of your internet history or your stain history?

And a washboard that does double duty for when I need to accompany my folk songs.

My brother in law does a majority of the laundry in their home, partly because they’re just egalitarian like that and partly because his oldest son’s best friend (age 9) has actually said “laundry is woman’s work” out loud. Because his father apparently said so. My sister and her husband figure they need to model some…

Of course. And it records all the stains it finds and uploads them to a database. If it finds any DNA, that is analyzed and uploaded too. This is to help the lizard overlords keep track of humanity and decide which ones to cull.

where i live in a van

Never ever use a smart napkin. You can’t handle it’s power

A smart washer is someone who gets someone else to do their laundry for them.

We’ll just push buttons on them, hoping something finally works, much like our vibrators

But how will women know how to use them?

THIS IS LEGENDARY RIGHT HERE.

No problem, I got this. First of all, you can never neg hard enough. Constantly talking about how hot her sister or best friend is is great way to start off. Second, interrupt constantly and explain things in a very condescending manner. We like to know exactly where our place is. Finally, I suggest you consider…

its going to be figureskating coverage all day long