I absolutely cannot understand any comparison to the Starbucks guy. Chipotle guy is trying to maximize his order, not steal free food. If Chipotle offers these options without an upcharge, I see no problem.

After being dead for 18 years, my father in law still has a stalker.

Tacos are solid, but soft-shell corn tortillas can fuck right off. They are the aspartame of food.

Hate peppers. And they’re so good at their job removing them doesn’t even help.

Finally, someone with the courage to stand up to Big Shitty Vegetable.

Once, my mom and dad told us they were giving us the house for the weekend while they were taking a cruise. I was 18 and I was going to have friends over. It was going to be a fantastic weekend!

Subway is to sandwiches what Pizza Hut is to pizza. And have you ever noticed those places have their own smell? Like you could be blindfolded and walk in and know exactly where you were by the smell?

Baking is relaxing. You follow a recipe and delicious things result. Cooking is stressful. Also, I like dessert, so I might eat an apple and some cheese for dinner, but I will follow it with homemade cobbler. I am in no other way domestic. My cats are currently nesting in my dirty laundry, but there are fresh cookies…

Every Jewish holiday can be summed up in 3 phrases:

my husband gets a different woman every month.

I’m 31 and still get cystic acne, the kind that leaves marks for months. :( I feel you.

the outfits they are wearing are probably worth tens of thousands of dollars and I think they look like fabulous soul sucking witches I would like to subscribe to their lifestyle blog i bet it comes w free cocaine

Tweezing out the spiky widdle chin-hairs as they appear. Don’t worry for long, girls— Father Time will soon bring this glorious routine to YOU, too! Hooray aging!

It’s times like this that I hate my legal education, because, well, if she’s asking for damages on account of a claim that she has been utterly unable to have sex since the incident, then she has to provide at least some evidence that she has been utterly unable to have sex.

I’m a high school teacher and my students (juniors and seniors) have to do a presentation every year that requires business attire. Prior to the presentations I, naturally, explain what is and is not appropriate for business attire and when business attire is necessary in the real world (the number of kids who think…

“She didn’t want Lilly to learn about black history,” he said, “She just wanted her to learn about the Confederacy.”

Fellow lawyer: my favorite part is that the book is “Law 101.” All of the law. All of it, right here, in this entry-level course book.

Man, I love dogs and graduated from law school last year and nobody commissioned anything with book-reading spaniels for me.

you pick an aisle, i.e. junior knits, start at one end and quickly file through every single item until you get to the end of the line. if some old lady tries to stall your progress, pretend she isn’t there. do not let the old ladies impede your progress on looking at every single item on the rack. red rover right…

Come on with the “limit your social media” thing. Sorry but if you get to post fucking pictures of your kid blowing a snot bubble for the first time, I get to post as many damn pictures as I want of the view from a hard ass hike I did in Norway or whatever. If someone doesn’t like what you put on your social media,…