as the woman i love has dressed up as a clown and done the clock stretch for me, i’ll hear no ill words about Loonette.  

daaaaaamn i really need to put a ring on it.

I agree with you. My point was that they’re lying about being mad that this is marketing. They are mad about the progress that has led this to become better marketing. That they are no longer the only consumers that matter. Basically, they’re mad that they have to share with people they don’t respect.

As usual Weird Al provides the best take possible.

“He don’t eat no meat?  Oh, that’s okay.  I make lamb.”

Milk DUCKS?? Really editors? 

Wrong St. Petersburg.

I wish there was a better way to phrase it because with all the shit her parents pulled to get her into the school hearing she’s on an officials yacht makes it sound like something even more untoward was going on.

Just as long as that self-expression doesn’t involve “female-presenting nipples,” whatever that means.

Looks like the folks who said none of the war criminals from the Bush administration will ever face justice spoke a little too soon.

It’s trying to be more respectable and going by Dark Wahlberg now.

GD...now I can't stop saying "ISIS ISIS BABY" in my mind.

In a remarkable coincidence, when I eat nothing but Dunkin’ for two days, I dump the purest shit.

At least he was able to fulfill his childhood dream of being a conductor on a train.

It shoots only t-shirts!

Im in the back of an Uber stuck in traffic and have my hoodie jammed up over my face trying to be silent because I passed the acceptable limit of manical laughter in front of strangers 5 min. ago. Why is this shit so funny when it happens to mascots??  I'm thinking of that deflating red T-Rex looking like he's falling…

Um, I’m pretty sure stealing a QBing job was the central plot of the original Ace Ventura film.

Putting clothespins on power cords to save money by keeping electricity from escaping as waste is one of the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever heard. If people who believe this have kids that go to your kid’s school, you need to find your kid a new school.

“DADDDDYYYYYY DIDNT GIVE ATTENTIOONNNNNNN”

You are both correct

I would like to see the Venn diagram of people who know offhand the conservation status of hammerheads and NFL players.