Here’s my theory.

I’m pretty sure Matt Damon knows when diversity is an issue.

Sure but there are five Kaydens in any suburban school and that’s cool. Everyone in the upper middle class recently decided they were all Celtic war chiefs and gave their kids names that vaguely sort of soudned suited to it. And it’s a trend!

I think she was a relatively smart 15 year old girl, and stayed there. At that level.

Is it too late for a racial draft? I think Dave Chappelle would agree that we can let her go.

My name sounds really white, but that doesn’t stop people from actively looking upset/bummed/surprised when I show up for interviews.

Your name is stupid to someone else, somewhere.

I’ve certainly fucked Chrises and Michaels but now I’m thinking I need to add a Kevin.

Not possible. It would be the end of the GOP as we know it.

Don’t toss them!! Think of all the creme brulees you just threw into the trash!!

I always wondered if the egg whites only thing wasn’t an egg marketing board trick. “See, you can be low fat and eat tasty eggs, by simply buying three times as many of them and throwing most of the egg away!” See how great that is? You give us three times as much money!

whenever ben carson speaks in public, i wonder if he has ever spoken in his life before.

That’s it, folks. I’m convinced that Ben Carson is three kids stacked on top of each other doing the thing from The Little Rascals, a la Vincent Adultman from Bojack Horseman. He was never a surgeon, he is a child. Only a child says such foolish things.

“Popeye’s organization” is an almost Romney-esque level of “Yes, I too am a hu-man person, fellow flesh-being.”

“Guy comes in, put the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.’”

Can I get one that lights up whenever other human beings are there so I can make sure I don’t have to be around them?

Good for frenemies so you know when to stop talking about them behind their backs.

I can imagine the drama now... you approach a “friend” and notice that neither of your bracelets light up like they used to. She awkwardly tries to cover her wrist as it dawns on you. You’ve been unfriended by. Becky, you traitorous twat.

I am so putting these on my parent’s cats.