He moved on him like a bitch.

“And then the pilgrims mercifully massacered the Covfefe tribe and all of their illegal immigrant muslim bad hombres. After which George Washington high fived Abraham Lincoln and won the civil war which successfully kicked all of the fake news out of the United States forever and ever. Something something emails. The…

Because he literally does not know how to use quotation marks.

“it happened during the dessert course.”

Devil-ether.

Hell he thinks the fortune in cookies are legislation.

he only wishes lies make it grow longer...

IT WAS 36% AND HE ROUNDED UP THEN CLAIMED IT WAS GOOD AND *NOW* ACCURATE BUT NOT BEFORE JESUS CHRIST THE BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY EYESSSSSSSSS

“White House Accuses Outgoing Ethics Chief of Grandstanding in Statement That Misspells His Name”

If the president’s a misogynist, cover in Russian hooker piss?

Apparently I’ve always done this. When I first started speaking, I used to start every sentence over again if I made one mistake, even if I was almost done. And then I’d go on tangents. It sometimes took hours for me to finish explaining a thought because of this (that sounds hyperbolic, it’s really not, there’s video…

Lol. I ran into a dude who I knew was into me in high school but never went for it (I think cuz i wasnt cool enough) after college when we had both moved back home. he had been there for a while, I was there for about three months total. we went out and hooked up a couple times. he was in a dead end job and I was…

A single reigning monarch countering literally every other face on currency, yup, sounds fair. I can see arguing that Austen isn’t the GOAT but um, really, no other woman is as deserving of such recognition except by being sired by the right dude? Ada Lovelace maybe? Nah madness, women only accomplish things when men…

My first few relationships (spanning 10 years) said they had had poor/lame previous experiences receiving oral and didn’t want me to try it. Flash forward I was single and 30 with no clue or exp on what to do down there, so I figured fuck it, I’ll just tell women I have no clue what I’m doing giving oral. I…

“I’m gonna legalize weed”

Fuck you, fuck you, fuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I am not “hysterical” though it’s really, REALLY goddamn fitting that you’d use that term in this situation. It says a lot. I am FUCKING MAD. Know the goddamn difference. And yes, you ARE normalizing this behavior by basically saying it’s no big deal. It’s no big deal to make a…

MRA: “I’m so nice, the nicest guy; too nice, even. I hold doors open for hotties and offer to buy underwear for the cute girls at the mall. When will these fucking bitches realize how goddamn nice I am and be my waifu!?”

Well, get in with me anytime! That ol’ drunkard, Rick Perry, is still set to issue his “We have an energy reliability emergency, everyone has to buy more electricity from coal-fired power plants,” edict later this week. Gear up your postcards and your phone calls to your State’s Utility Commission.