[takes deep breath]

LUND: But what about all the field work I did?

Man it must be hard to drive a van when you're drunk AND you're not allowed to use your hands.

Thanks to this scandal, the Patriots find themselves under intense scrotiny. Belichick could end up getting the sack.

NCAA investigators can only keep track of 20 cases at a time, using the 'Fingers & Toes' system taught at UNC.

Strange, I thought "blarglewargle" was what happened when Charles Shackleford attempted to spell his own name.

Bet he got Deez in everything.

UNC denies the report, but wonders if The Chronicle has any other reports...like maybe on communications or like Shakespeare. Maybe Othello?

UNC: *gets caught*

Hold on Barry, you actually expect me to believe that the NFL knew about a problem and failed to act on it?

No wonder it was overlooked, Roger Goodell got a memo that read Moisten Needle and Insert and he promptly ignored it assuming it was another angry note from his wife.

Phew, man. New Age Outlaws are looking rough. They were my favorite tag team, too.

I think the crowd would've really fallen for Owen Hart.

"Tiger? Golf??? TEETH?!?!?

Holy shit, are you serious?

First league investigation of improperly deflated balls that didn't involve PED use.

Please let this be true...

Patricia Driscoll accused him of smashing her head into a motorhome wall three times.

I recommend everyone to start by looking for the original by S. Morgenstern ;P

I promised Tommy I'd never tell this story, but fuck it. What's he going to do, ban my account? Oh gee, how will I ever get a new one?