Deadspin is going to have an article in about a year lauding itself for creating the most sophisticated writing robot ever. Sure, Robot Billy recycled the same tired cliches about American soccer that every Johnny-come-lately on Reddit does, but man, he really got traffic to the site!

I’m always astonished by how little credit the U.S. gets for their recent record. Like yes, I get it, they’re not Germany or whatever. But their recent track record is far better than teams who continue to be fellated as giants (ahem, England).

I dunno, this seems to fit with the general “let’s write negatively about a thing” trend.

Hey Billy,

I even get that Gold Cup doesn’t mean much, but Billy’s constant pretentious cynicism is fucking worn out. Cool, you like other sports more and think the USMNT and MLS are garbage. You’ve told us this in every article for at least 3 years. Get a new schtick or let someone else write.

Seriously, can’t Deadspin find one soccer writer who doesn’t write like he’s one whiskey away from ending it all to spite the bartender?

All trophies are meaningless when you really think about it, man.

Deadspin really needs to make up its damn mind on the Gold Cup. When the US won the early matches with its C-team, you freak out over how we’re not winning by enough and are an embarrassment. When they upgrade to the B-team and win the stupid thing, you freak out about why aren’t we playing the C-team for more player…

And how many words would this chamaco write if the US had lost?

NeyWatch

Thank goodness. We were all worried that you’d find new soccer stories to misreport.

Hey Deadspin, why has there not been a recap of the U.S. vs. Costa Rica game. Yea it’s the Gold Cup but come on! Clint Dempsey tied LD’s record of all time U.S. goal scorer in his home state. This is the same Clint Dempsey that people were concerned that he was not going to be able to play again because of a heart…

This is the most least clearest best worst...

A Sophie’s Choice if ever there was one, Billy’s worst writing habit might be the use of second person when talking about the disastrously bad predictions he’s made in past articles. No, “we” didn’t seek to assuage your concerns about Neymar leaving, YOU wrote 10,000 words trying to convince yourself he doesn’t love…

Just from a soccer standpoint it’s not a terrible move. In the short term yes, it’s a downgrade. But Barca are doing a terrible job turning over their roster and thus are getting old. Their famed Academy is a fucking myth at this point. Compared to how Madrid is getting ready for the post-CR era, Barca is an…

So if one were to get this on “release” day, there will be “early access” players that have a bunch of cool shit already?

Neymar is currently the world’s second-best player...

This is great “take (microscopically possible, but) silly news seriously” writing. For a taste of Haisley’s “take silly news non-seriously” writing, check out the “Eat Shit Real Madrid” post linked above.

Found Billy’s burner

Neymar is better than one of Ronaldo or Messi?