They will never fuck. “I’m religious” is the bullshit excuse down-low athletes like Tim Tebow and Wilson use to cover for the obvious. I’m sure Ciara is getting compensated very well to beard and the poor thing needs the money: She hasn’t had a hit in a decade.

Enough people have already said this but this is for the best. We’ve seen too many wrestlers die young from the pills, drugs, booze, and other means to cope with the pain they’ve earned from a career of wrestling. This is a positive thing.

Bartolo Colon one-upped him with a foursome. A true baller goes for four patties on his Shake Shack burger

There’s no way the IT guys would be okay with getting that much grit on the keyboard.

For all the whining Mets fans did throughout the offseason, the team is starting the season with a better and deeper roster than the one that just went to the World Series (and probably should have won). On paper, they’re the best team in the National League.

MR. MET IS BUYING ROUNDS

They must be kicking themselves that Andy Reid didn’t make it through to the Conference championship.

Has this fucking guy seen the men who’ve coached the Browns?

I just want to shake conservatives so much. This is the guy you hate. THIS GUY. He’s the coolest, funniest president most of us have ever seen, he and his wife are an amazing couple who look so much in love, he is a great father. THIS GUY IS YOUR VILLAIN? Yeah, it’s totally rational and never about race

Come on, Obama! Jed Bartlett spoke at his daughter’s college graduation and he.... wait, I just remembered how that episode ended. Um, keep Malia away from French boyfriends and nightclubs after the ceremony.

Second time I've gotten to say that I love a little nerd in my sports humor. +1 midichlorian

12. Mace Windu redirected the Force lightning back at him.

12. Horrific motorboating accident.