GOD, I REALLY LOVE HER. I’m a native Floridian who’s had to watch this evil, corrupt, soulless shitmonster drive our once-beautiful state into the ground for 6 fucking years now. As such, I’ve definitely fantasized about running into him (with my car) (haha, what? who said that?) and telling him to crawl back into…

This was my favorite part. And then she looks back at him and grins, just a tiny bit, kind of like “whoa, shit, did I just do that??”

One of the older ladies in my office passed me in the hallway the other day, paused, smiled, and did the standard wiggly eyebrows/belly rubbing/other obvious gestures for “U PREGNANT???” No, Phyllis, just because I am wearing an A-line dress does not mean I’m trying to camouflage a baby bump until I can get my…

I just know that somewhere in a comment thread about these people- probably on one of those ~*Natural Mommy*~ Facebook groups- someone is making the argument “Why punish them further? The death of their child is punishment enough! They have to live with that forever!” What’s next? They somehow escape jail time, one of…

This POOR woman. Like, holy shit. My friends and I drank hard in college and would do the “recap” in the morning- tease everyone about their drunken shenanigans, what they did that they couldn’t remember, etc. This woman’s recap happened in the hospital, and included being found in the bushes with a stranger…

Fuck Lululemon and their overpriced, see-through, bougie bullshit. I have three pairs of offbrand workout leggings from Sports Authority that are exactly the same size, shape, color, and quality as when I bought them for like $30 in- no joke- 2008. If I’m spending $100 on a pair of leggings, I'm buying them directly…

“I am pro-life. Well, you go back to a position like they had where they would perhaps go to illegal places but we have to ban it.”

“no, man, we can't hear when you're jerkin' it at all!", said one of his roommates, who hasn't made eye contact with Peter since 8 days after he moved in.

how can we say this in dumb-as-a-fucking-brick-politician’s terms?

HEY, GARY (of course your name is fucking Gary)
YOU
*CLAP*
DON’T
*CLAP*
KNOW MORE ABOUT PREGNANCY, FETUSES, OR WOMEN’S HEALTH
*CLAP*
THAN MOTHERFUCKING

bride: “OH MY GOD, Steve, you CANNOT watch Say Yes To The Dress for the next month or you’ll see my dress and it'll ruin the surprise!!!!!!!!!!!”
groom: "I don't know what that is, so, ok."

Pnina, STOP WITH THE CORSETS. We do not need to see every bride’s bellybutton/entire midsection/asscrack through a sparkling silver cage of rhinestones.

does it also have... A SWEETHEART NECKLINE?!?

rookie mistake, Martha. if you want to successfully smuggle 70 lbs of cocaine in your carryon, you’ve GOT to leave the German Shorthaired Pointer at home. i know, i know- tough choice. but there simply isn’t enough room for both.

Poor Janet. She's just going about her daily tasks at the post office, and every 20 minutes, some asshole interrupts her day to sign out (or back in) the fucking box cutter. JANET DESERVES A RAISE.

"If you need a boxcutter you may sign one out from Janet” I am CRYING laughing right now

Precisely my rationale. ;)

I just ordered a sample too! (and three others... SOMEONE STOP ME)

I’m in love with perfumes, but I can also be sensitive to smells- if one of my coworkers sprays a sweet air freshener in the office (WHY?), I immediately get a killer headache.

Have you smelled Michael Kors White? It’s described as "tuberose, freesia, and musk", but it smells way less sweet than you would expect-…