I would totally marry my favorite shoes, skinny cow products, and while I would never do anything icky with my dog he does show me much more affection than my ex husband ever did. I also have a cherished pair of Bose headphones that I spend quality time with so actually maybe the scary cons have a point about pushing…

Not a full set. Apple fell off the tree and broke one.

i'm going to marry the planet...then all of you will be my step-children.

It also gives tens of thousands time to plan how to get there.

I want to marry the Oxford comma. And Milky Way bars. It'll be a polygamous marriage.

I know that tortoise. That tortoise is a slut. Be careful, that tortoise will break your heart.

He almost used up all 140 characters when he could have just tweeted, "I don't understand consent."

well...in their defense, the concept of consensual sex is probably beyond their abilities to grasp.

Well, this is as good a time as any to post this: http://annieslist.com/

Why don't we go in and alter the date afterwards to try to undermine it? I call it "GOPing."

It was the Unclench post! You jinxed it!

In his defense, he wasn't allowed his pre-fight cigarette.

It is fortunate the hooker wasn't at SMU.

"The people can't come and create so much of a ruckus that we can't do our job," said state Sen. Dan Patrick, R-Houston.

The Aaron Hernandez mess can be best compared to Dora the Explorer, in that both feature a Hispanic protagonist and a Grumpy Old Troll:

This one is too easy. Aaron Hernandez is just like Detective Nordberg from the Naked Gun movies.

[wags finger, ducks]

Nice that the NCAA tailored the penalties to Oregon's football program, in that they lose one and only one scholarship, but lose it on the last day of the season.

Still don't understand why anyone believes a guy who's never played tight end can instantly replace two very good ones.