What?!?

Nordberg from The Naked Gun series?

Why would he be in jail? He's a police officer!

Fuck.

Excuse the language, but fuck.

That's awful, and I wish I could help. None of my business, obviously, but I do hope you'll stay strong and stay true. You're obviously quick and smart and sharp as a pin. Something will come . . . .

That's why they call it a comeback.

(Related: Don't listen to LL. You should indeed call this a comeback.)

Any truth to the rumor that the "professor" role will mark the big acting comeback of . . .

. . . O.J. Simpson?!?!

Not an optimal format, but still. Look here:

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~jackli/blogge….

May you find your Alice. Or your Calvin. Or whatever you most want.

Eager for your reactions.

Until then, unemployed? How in the hell?

Total change of gears and tone:

Did you read Trillin's book to and about his wife? (I think it's called Alice, though I confess to reading most of it in the New Yorker, not in the full book form.)

Aha!

I knew it!

You're not Jennifer Lawrence.

You're Calvin Trillin.

Following others? Not just me?

That is the very definition of "following around," I'll have you know. (Replace following with sleeping and the joke will seem marginally less insipid. Marginally.)

But crumb. I don't know if I can help. You're awfully kind, though. I really do like you, whoever you are.

Can I…

You will have to tell me. But I hope so.

By the way, are you still following me?

Oh, no.

I fear we've taken a terrible turn.

I did not mishear Bob the Zimmerman. Instead, I meant to call attention to the Fab Four:

That or "I'm Only Sleeping."

Your choice.

In Jaden's case, those aren't wrinkles.

Those are higher level math.

I think you are fun.

Please don't be afraid, Aggro.

It's only Kinja.

(A haiku. And, no: I did not steal that from Milton.)

It's true.

And it's fragile.

Ear consent is one of those things that you have to . . .

. . . wait for it . . .

. . . curate.

(See what I did there!?!)

Which ear?

THERE WILL BE NO PELVIC THRUSTS!

You mean, like, six steps back and slightly to the left?

Gluten intolerance: It's not just for rich people anymore. It's also for obnoxious and fussy upper middle-class denizens of places that start with the letter B: Boulder, Berkeley, Brooklyn.

Catchy?

That's very charitable of you!

But a question: Have you measured the gluten content of your burlap?

"Have"? Sort of.

I mean, I reject all of those typically bourgeois notions of "ownership," so I can't really say I "have" anything.

But, yes, a few fellows from my band and I keep a kiln near our rehearsal space in Bushwick. We use it every other Thursday evening — when we're not canning our artisanal horseradish,…