"You know, just once in this lifetime, I would like my favorite team to acquire a legendary skill position player who does NOT turn out to be a complete fucking shithead."

"Sorcia, I'm in love with your best friend [a dude with a hilariously ridiculous name that I cannot post here]. We're moving to Virginia and I hope you'll be happy for us."

And in related news, Bill Cosby remains at large.

What's even sadder is that he'll earn more in a year or two of bashing his brains out than he will in a lifetime of teaching math to kids.

My all time favorite math joke is:

I don't blame him. He's made a career of shrinking in the spotlight.

And LA residents thought they were done with bad shots once Kobe shut it down.

From the first video: "He is wounded, somehow."

No, but when you are talking about writers on sports sites, who take irrelevant reader emails and respond with jokes and make sure to end with extra weird story to show you just how bizarre their readers truly are, then yes there is a striking similarity.

This is why things like his podcasts with guys like Zach Lowe, who will call him on his bullshit (there are at least two moments in every Lowe podcast where Simmons says something and Lowe just starts going "whoah, whoah, whoah ..."), are significantly better than his columns these days.

For all the basketball he allegedly watches, and all the great minds he name drops as having had conversations with, he doesn't analyze anything. Why is Kyrie a good player other than the fact that people say he's a good player? Simmons has become a parody of himself.

That name dropping paragraph was turrrible, but you do realize your biggest article each week is a blatant rip off of his mailbag, right? You mail that in as much as anything Simmons does.

Yup, these are his readers.

Rolle originally considered retiring and working from home after receiving an email from a man with a very successful cousin

Haha God hates Antrel Rolle

"And then a garbage truck woke me up at six in the morning; its mechanical claw had mishandled a huge bin of trash and dumped it all over the street. And I asked of the Almighty: 'Really? A Raider?'"

That's how I ended up in Chicago after a kick-ass career in NY, too. Except instead of Orbitz it was my HR department, and instead of cheap flights it was a 20% raise, better title, better hours, less stress, and 40% cheaper price per sq ft.

Alternate theory: Jeff Ireland's hijacking the front office.

Don't worry about some nit-picking geek complaining. That third paragraph, where you put live mammoths in context with humanity, was fantastic. Keep writing like that!