Labs will eat anything. You could have done your report on paper he would have eaten it.

I got use "my cat ate my homework" once.

My cat actually ate my homework a few times. Those were the rare times my mother allowed me to call in sick and I'd have to redo my work and turn it in the next day. My cat LOVED tearing up and eating anything made of poster board.

Umm, I may have gone to school with you. If Canyon Vista rings an uncomfortable bell, well, we were in German together.

My brother and his (then) wife were already in town for our wedding. They were staying in the same hotel as my parents and my sister and all the other wedding guests. Come the wedding, though, they were a no-show and had checked out of the hotel. Asked for an explanation, he said "I forgot where the wedding was taking…

My husband's excuse for not putting away the dishes out of the dishwasher: "I don't know where they go."

Loki

The Mayor of Sunnydale

How is Star Wars beating Marvel? THERE IS ONE GOOD STAR WARS MOVIE.

For reasons I can't even explain, this comment is my favorite.

It's not even a nice looking kitchen.

All the things going on in my head and written on my face right now.

Do they mean "reversible" as in, this abortion has a waterproof lining, so I can turn it inside out and wear it in the rain?

Voldemort is going to be PISSED that y'all are still alive.

(Also these are lovely.)

WTF does it say about us that we got Hand Banana ass tattoos as a wedding/anniversary thing?!

Oh, I got her back! And he got arrested for being a drug dealer shortly after. It was kinda great.

I took him to small claims court to get my cat back. She apparently has a crew of people who browse the dockets for ridiculous lawsuits. I actually called the producers and was like, "Am I being punked right now?"

I had to take my mother to the emergency room while I was visiting her one weekend. I ended up staying for several days because she was super sick and my dad is basically incapable of caring for a houseplant, let alone a human. When I got back to my apartment I shared with my ex, the place was totally trashed and he…