My brother and his (then) wife were already in town for our wedding. They were staying in the same hotel as my parents and my sister and all the other wedding guests. Come the wedding, though, they were a no-show and had checked out of the hotel. Asked for an explanation, he said "I forgot where the wedding was taking…

My husband's excuse for not putting away the dishes out of the dishwasher: "I don't know where they go."

All the things going on in my head and written on my face right now.

Do they mean "reversible" as in, this abortion has a waterproof lining, so I can turn it inside out and wear it in the rain?

Voldemort is going to be PISSED that y'all are still alive.

(Also these are lovely.)

WTF does it say about us that we got Hand Banana ass tattoos as a wedding/anniversary thing?!

Oh, I got her back! And he got arrested for being a drug dealer shortly after. It was kinda great.

I took him to small claims court to get my cat back. She apparently has a crew of people who browse the dockets for ridiculous lawsuits. I actually called the producers and was like, "Am I being punked right now?"

I had to take my mother to the emergency room while I was visiting her one weekend. I ended up staying for several days because she was super sick and my dad is basically incapable of caring for a houseplant, let alone a human. When I got back to my apartment I shared with my ex, the place was totally trashed and he…

If they really want to be spiteful, they should donate that money to the Auburn football program.

As if the tissues weren't enough, I feel like we're always dangling from the precipice of some paper goods crisis. If we're not out of paper towels, we're running low on toilet paper. Which means that virtually every blasted day, I'm at the market picking up some supply or another.

Dammit! I missed this one!

Jack Black Intense Therapy Lip Balm

Jack Black Intense Therapy Lip Balm

I know $8.00 is RIDIC for a lip balm, but I cannot live without this one. I tried them all and this one is just amazing.

I know $8.00 is RIDIC for a lip balm, but I cannot live without this one. I tried them all and this one is just…

Running around the apartment making airplane noises and then giggling hysterically. I still do this when my fiancee is out of town.

I've decided that my new extreme end payment, similar to all the tea in China is "All the Dicks in Glory Hole Canyon"

I AM SO FLIPPING STOKED, YOU GUYS. IF YOU CLICKED ON THIS JUST TO COMMENT THAT YOU DON'T LIKE THE SHOW CAN I SUGGEST THAT YOU MAYBE DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR TIME?

I'd offer them some water from my monogrammed thermos... But I forgot it at home. All I have is my monogrammed casserole carrier :(