"Ninety-seven percent of people will die at some point in their lives."

Holy shit, I don't think I understood a single word in the original version.

I just meant in general, not this particular movie.

You mean like Boehner?

There was a version that was even harder to understand?

Eddie Brock's column is fake news!

It was surprisingly hard for Bane to articulate anything. Hey-o!

Not with that angle and lighting, at least.

Though I think you can make it more thematically-appropriate if it focuses more on the "evil mirror universe Spider-Man" part than the "aliens" part. Spidey's always had a ton of inner conflict; Venom can easily be written as a physical manifestation of those issues, especially if we're talking about the Eddie Brock…

We go together like cocaine and waffles!

Boats 'n' hoes…boats 'n' hoes…

…because it's not fair that they get to and he doesn't?

It's sad, but "American President Eats Kids' Book" is not only a believable headline, but would be the best one the country's had in months.

I can't tell if this is a real song or not and I'm very upset about it.

All of his speeches are backed by a band playing "Ashokan Farewell".

From before the Civil War?!

That's the one that does the purity balls and promise rings and that nonsense, isn't it?

My parents are the kind of people who would go to a Toby Keith concert, despite not even being American. My brother and I are both about as far left as you can go without looping back around.

Was it?

Which is weird, because Darkwing Duck's theme song is miles better than DuckTales'.