If a cat walks up to you and rubs their face against you, they love you and are marking you as their property. Anything else — including purring** — is questionable.

[TRUE STORY]

I knew Tommy casually when I was in college and he had People’s Place in Elmira New York. He asked me out a couple of times, totally wacked on coke and weed. I found him to be predatory and already full of himself.

The janitor’s closet.

I didn’t say the bloat wasn’t worth the pleasure! So suffer, baby!

My daughter said she wanted to be a princess. I said why not a queen?

This isn’t a costume but he did get a cup stuck on his head. A year or so ago you lovely people helped me with a Go Fund Me campaign after he ate a bunch of ribbon. He hasn’t gotten any smarter since then.

Val kilmer told the press he doesn’t have cancer. Michael Douglas tells the press Val Kilmer is dying of cancer. Either Michael Douglas is lying or he revealed things Val Kilmer told him in confidence. Both options make Michael Douglas a huge asshole. which is why the author makes fun of him.

I wish she had been FLOTUS when I was just a little girl in boy.

“QUEER ANTICS IN A STAID QUAKER FAMILY’S PANTRY AND PARLOR”

Dear Black America,

We don’t believe his shit either. He can’t win in this ‘rigged’ election that is DESIGNED FOR RICH WHITE ASSHOLES JUST LIKE HIM. Maybe one day we can all just consider our fellow citizens as “Americans” without the race qualifier. Until then, we are holding out for Daisy, the Wiccan transgender…

Republicans frustrate me to no end by fetishizing the trappings of that decade without looking at what led to them. Mores have changed in the country, but there are still many, many people whose ideal is homeownership, marriage, children, and having one parent stay at home or work part time during early childhood…

Luke Perry was on a recent cover of AARP magazine.

Not true. She wore a space suite in Gravity.

To me, she’s already won the biggest reason for doing this - letting us all know that Subway harboured a paedophile to protect their brand. The bigger the stink she makes, the better, as far as I’m concerned.

“It should be no surprise to anyone that these ghosts, like all dead people, are Hillary voters.”

Hey, please don’t compare acorns (ahem!) to that dickweasel’s appendage.

FEEDING THEM?! Ma’am, with all due respect, your husband is that pigeon lady from Home Alone II.

My grandpa says it :’( It’s what he calls our president.

Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with botox and it’s ruining her marriage to Justin Theroux,