The age of the “boyfriend” is left out for obvious reasons, because I can’t imagine a third-grader having a same-age boyfriend beyond giggling and holding hands on the playground or maybe playing Doctor.

Sprite: the soda that hates sexually active women as much as you do!

I don’t even understand the point of these ads.

Misogyny aside, these ads are terrible. Isn’t clarity the number one rule of marketing? Like, for doctors it’s “First, do no harm” and for advertisers it’s, “First, don’t confuse anybody.” What in the actual fuck did they think they were selling here?

Also Sprite is like the least sexy soda ever? It's what I drink when I'm hungover and want to puke.

So you don’t believe in mandatory reporting laws for child abuse? Because that’s what this was.

How the fuck does a man in his 30's stay out all night until 5am? Does he not have a job or any responsibilities in life?

This is why I’m here for Will Smith:

I know, right? The trailers looked so meh, and every time I saw a picture of Jared Leto, I thought “oh Christ, not this guy again...”

I actually saw a Harley with a Jesus once at a con. She still called him Mistah J. It was hilarious.

Tell your therapist that you just read a collection of film reviews and still found a way to make it about yourself.

Oh Lord. Just because people like superhero/comic movies doesn’t mean they’re socially awkward.

Dear Hollywood, D.C.,

So now I don’t have to look at Jared Leto anymore. Please?

I preferred 1988's Teenage Suicide Squad (Don’t Do It).

Misogyny is at the core of his being, and it’s the well from which all his hate flows.

Ooh, let me just skip on over to the living-wage job tree and pick another. Because we all have a whole fucking job-tree orchard to harvest from.

This coming from the man that wants to sue the press for saying anything remotely negative about him.