haha, yep the breakfast burrito can also help along a legit excuse for Plan B.

I bet she always pays quickly to hurry on out though. I always seem to stand behind the person who has an unscannable item or needs to dispute an expired coupon. Hmph!

Plan A for those with desk jobs: 1. Ensure your PC monitor displays something work related. 2. Place your office phone's headset on. 3. With one elbow on the desk, nestle your face, pointing toward monitor, into open palm. 4. Relaaaaaax.

While I suspect that aspartame has got to be evil somehow, I think you have a good point. It's the whole "I'll have the supersized combo, but the diet soda please" cliche factor that's a cliche for a good reason.

I admire your "hearty" drink habit and attentiveness to your lifespan/retirement fund ratio.

When I decided to drop some lbs by taking up a the triathlete diet/exercise plan my friend was using, it was stipulated that no diet sodas were allowed. I wasn't sure why and didn't really question it, but man I did lose the most weight ever, the fastest ever following that plan.

I ask again: Who keeps giving this guy work? He's simply not funny, whatever topic he chooses.

There's already standards like that, such as CAN-bus for example

The drummer just has a bad case of dry, flaky skin.

Have you seen many celebrities or rock stars up close? They're kinda actually like that.

Awesome! I mean, vagina!

I noticed she was sitting on her sweet can.

"Oh, and don't even get me started on paid maternity leave (or lack there of) for people who are, I dunno, propagating the entire fucking species and trying to work a job. Blerg, how infuriating."

Indeed, I'm thinking that with those examples there's a good probability of poetic license at work as opposed to literal descriptions, or, at the very least, "bronze" not because they didn't have a word for blue, but because of the atmospheric conditions at the time.

Dropping in an egg makes a world of difference.

Swimming naked in subzero waters without hypothermia? *scratches head*

"I would still rather go to the courthouse for a minimilist ceremony and then have a family BBQ than deal with any of this silliness, but my mother has vetoed that option."

Ugh. Is Richard Heene related to Charlie Sheen-e? Somewhere hidden in all that showman's insanity there might actually be a useful tool but this guy would do well to remove his face and name from the product.

"Now we know why the moon landing was faked — those darn giant angels wouldn't let NASA leave the square."