Also, she’s coming after you? And wanna know how, fellas???? She’s not going to play golf with you. Oooooooh. I bet they’re quaking in their boat shoes, Cait.

If I were to go back and rewrite my undergrad thesis (major: cultural studies), it would be called What We Talk About When We Talk About Kanye. And if I couldn’t manage to get through that, it would instead be a meditation on how class and race privilege have seemingly blinded Caitlyn to oppression, including…

Fair enough. Ironically, I almost always use the nomenclature “Hispanic” as Mr. Slowtraincoming, who is Mexican, prefers it (“I used to be Hispanic. Then one day white people decided I was Latino.”) He also crosses out “Hispanic” on the census and writes in Mexican. He gets weirdly political about it for a guy who…

Having worked in PR, I can say this smacks of some really hard work by her team and some kind of upcoming film/project. She’s in that Smurfs movie right now and in Wonder later this year. Also, in exchange, People will now get several exclusives with her. It’s possible she’s finally divorcing and she promised them…

No! Can this be? I thought she was Latina (she still can be and be named Hilary, of course) and that’s why she had an unusual (to me) name. Don’t their kids all have Spanish names?

Same. Even if I could set aside the whole verbally-abusing-your-child thing, he’s been caught calling so. many. people. the f-word with only ever a half-assed apology to cover for it. If the first word that comes to your mind when someone upsets you is a homophobic slur, I’m pretty sure you’re just a homophobe/bad…

I cannot think of a single high-profile relationship she’s had where she didn’t badmouth the guy in the press or write a song about him, with the exception of Ed Sheeran, with whom I do not think she ever had anything but a contractual relationship. According to this, she’s written *21* songs about famous exes. To…

Are you joking with this? In cases of seriously, severely (extremely RARE) botched penile circumcision, a person may lose their entire penis. It is NEVER the intention of a penile circumcision to remove the entire penis. When a labia, clitoris, or vulva is cut or removed, it is explicitly intended. By your…

Ok, ok. But then I need him to read from a book. I don’t need to hear his extemporaneous musings for exactly the reasons we learned after Lochte in Rio. The gorgeous, empty-headed man left to his own devices is a dangerous creature.

That’s styling! Oh Jesus. I’m no style maven but woof. You can do an homage to Jackie Collins, but please refrain from Jackie Collins drag.

But didn’t Kelly cop to getting implants? Why didn’t she just have the nipples dealt with too? Unless she loves having huge nipples, which is totally possible.

He’s 10 years younger than me. And I am here for it. But really, really quietly. My husband knows everything about me up to and including the consistency of my most recent bowel movement, and he doesn’t have a clue of my feelings for Harry Styles. That’s just a bridge too far.

He’s like a less repellent Ryan Lochte. Like, shhhhh, sweetness. You don’t need to talk. No, no. Shhhh. Just do me.

That could be because he hasn’t decided his entire brand is writing revenge songs and airing dirty laundry. Honestly, I get so sick of that bitch’s constant venting. Sometimes shit just doesn’t work out, Taylor. Or if you’ve really dated that many dudes who all done you so wrong (99% of them—excepting her contract…

I’m certain I’ve done uglier guys who were more of a mess, I just didn’t keep them around long enough to discover it. Survey says: would. But I’d make him wear all that flammable active wear from the Good Will Hunting shoot. Also, I’d want his old teeth popped back in. They were so much less assuming.

I don’t know if he’s gay, but they have zero chemistry. He always seemed more like her beloved assistant than boyfriend.

He really had all the inside scoop all us sheeple weren’t hip to. Did he tell you that if you get ejaculate in your eye, you can’t go to the doctor even if it’s irritated because they’ll see sperm swimming in your eyeball and diagnose you with Cum Eye? Yeah, just look under C in your medical textbooks, folks.

This feels like a teenage conspiracy theory, like when my ex-boyfriend told me the FBI taps white lighters and that’s why you shouldn’t buy them. (Brah, why do you think the FBI gives a fuuuuck what you’re doing? You’re a 16-year-old gas station attendant in Michigan.)

If that’s your goal, god bless. It’s what you want from your body. (Unless you’re my family member and your organs are shutting down, in which case I’m a touch less laissez-faire.) But don’t tell me that your 700-calorie a day diet is fucking healthy.