And they watched BAYWATCH NIGHTS for the werewolves and the alien anal-probings.  Which were equally heartwarming.

Or the weirdest episode of HELL'S KITCHEN yet. 

Me: "Now HERE is a movie that cries out for a remake.  Really old, not widely seen, with a great creepy setting and some sinister set pieces."

You're gonna miss out on the riveting-as-a-motherfucker crop rotation scene in the season finale.  Season four, I mean.  And THEN who's gonna feel stupid, huh?

"Rick, you're always off fighting and killing dangerous things to keep
us safe and doing what YOU want to do, but Carl needs his father!  Why
are we fighting wolves anyway, we should just give up, it's over.  I
don't want to live in a world where…godDAMNit, Rick, is it too much to
ask not to leave the damn seat toilet…

You mean sapience, not sentience. 

"Weesa Free!!!"

And WHEN THE FUCK are getting an ERIK THE VIKING 2???  HUH???  HUH???

Let's split the difference.  A Korean War II, and a JACK AND JILL spinoff with Al Pacino.  Pinky swear?

No, no.  You're think of trench foot.  Lycanthropy is the one where you turn into a werewolf.

Stop the presses!  I've found the title for my memoirs.

It makes perfect sense, when you think about it.
Humans age at a certain rate.
Vampires stop aging.
So a cross between a human and a vampire would age five times as fast.  See?  Makes perfect sense.

"Eighteen.  Do you want to try again?  Look, I HAVE the chatlog, so why don't you just start over."

[adds THE RUNAWAYS to Netflix queue]
[feels like a pervert]
[recovers]
[bumps THE RUNAWAYS to the top of the queue]

She should play Joan Jett playing someone else in the meta-remake of LIGHT OF DAY.  Shia, of course, would play Michael J. Fox.

If TITAN A.E. hadn't bombed so hard that it killed Fox Animation Studios, you would have seen ALL DOGS GO TO KOLOB too.

I beg to differ; in that alternate universe, Larry the Cable Guy would be neck-and-neck in the polls with Mark Wahlberg heading into the South Carolina primary.

This is a trick question.  Minorities don't OWN vehicles!

Christ, how horrible.  You're just surrounded by living, talking, shitting, ambulatory skeletons.  No wonder things have gotten to this point.  But why don't you put the chainsaw down, and let's just talk this over.  Man-to-skeleton.

SH!T RON PAUL SAYS, Thursdays this fall.