I mean it would be a complete shit-show without it. That is what the people want to see and that is what they shall get!

Please welcome the new Governor of the great state of Texas, Bill Cosby…

But not before Simmons dances around in a Vegas showgirl costume.

Some excerpts:

Shhh… That takes away the magic.

"wake up, grab a brushandputonalittlemakeup, hidethescaresfromtheshakeup whydyouleavethekeysonthetable?"

Oh I completely agree that anyone who would say Internet email doesn't know they're ass from a hole in the ground. Just the idea of someone receiving an email not through the Internet amuses me… And I also have no idea what I'm talking about.

Would he be more credible if it was an email that didn't come from the Internet?

It's a funny "sounding" joke…

Can we still make stories about detectives who overcome personal tragedies?

Put all your trash in the bag. This place is a fucking mess!

If you kidnap a mailman what are all the ridiculous extra charges they can bring against you?

Top 5 actors who have been trapped in vaults:

I DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP. I'M IN MY WOOD BLANKET. I'M WARM AND COZY AND IT'S COLD OUTSIDE GODDAMMIT!

THE TIME HAS COME TO CLICK ON SHARE/TO RETWEET THAT LINK/TO CHECK IN ON FOURSQUARE

In tomorrow's news: Stephen Baldwin doesn't know the definition of definition.

He may be reckless, Sarge', but dammit he gets results!

ABC…
Always
Be (sure of)
Consent

I'm a size 38!

"Remember, my friends, future events such as these will effect you in the future!"