Seriously. Fucking Advil!

I mean c'mon, Advil? Really?

It's neck and neck! But how is Advil beating Oxycontin? That's crazy!

One of my cats follows me everywhere too. Sometimes I'll be in the bathroom and she leans on the door and does a closed-mouth meow, like, it comes from her chest. She's my precious kitty, and it's really cute. My husband doesn't understand why I let her in, I just have to.

Sidney. Description: Total bitchface/huge sweetheart. She rules the house. The other two cats have a love/hate relationship with her. Snuggling can be great but end with the other cat hissing. If she wants to lay in the spot you are laying in, she'll just sit on you 'til you get up.
For the humans: she's a good…

One of my cats prances around the house with her tail straight up in the air constantly. She's the alpha of the house. This answers my question—apparently she's SUPER HAPPY.

Wait, I didn't mean "loosen" like that.

I don't get it. My co-workers and I just tell each other when we've just pooped. Or laugh about it when someone had been in the bathroom for 15 minutes. Everyone does it! If I was on a date and we just ate, I'd probably have to poop soon after. I've always been like that. Not sorry. My husband just makes fun of me for…

Yeah, we do massive amounts at work—which sometimes last a week. If you can find it already peeled it'll save you a very annoying step too.

Also, I once had liquefied potatoes IN MY TRUNK. No wonder my car smelled so bad.

I don't know, it just leaves me with this foul aftertaste in my mouth that it's entirely different from actual yummy garlic.

That is not garlic.

April Richardson is hilarious. I was zinester friends with her when we were in high school and lost her when I quit Facebook last year.

There should be more of this sort of thing happening these days—your dad is awesome.

So awesome!

Mack's. The tan-colored foam ones. I scrunch them up longways and make sure they get deep inside my ear. Kinda gross, but it's easier if you wet them with spit first.

My husband did a sleep study and it didn't work because he couldn't sleep properly in a strange place with all the things hooked up to him. He definitely has sleep apnea but wouldn't be able to sleep with a machine hooked up to him. He's such a pain.

Sound-proofing so nobody can hear you kill him when he snores too loudly? ;)

Some nights I really want to...

Earplugs+Klonopin.