Dying painfully takes time and patience.

Fun fact: Cosby never actually finished graduating at Temple. Neither did Bob Saget, Tim and Eric, Paul F. Tompkins, or any other person who went to Temple, ever. It's the school everyone who forgets they're going to school goes to!

I have a theory that Sarah Palin is a Mindflayer in disguise. Everyone who hangs out with her for a prolonged amount of time leaves brain-addled and useless to society.

5 Things That You Didn't Know You Were Nostalgic For Before We Pointed Them Out To You! Number 3 Will Shock You!

We were just both playing hard-to-get! We didn't realize we were into each other!

Buck up, Mr. Comey. Things can't get worse.

The answer is it wouldn't wear a hat well.

Maybe he wants to be able to say he never knew ahead of Pence's trial that he knew his client was under an FBI investigation.

"'ey, Larry! You watch the Yankees game last night and pay your tithe to Jeter?"

Susan Lucci 2020!

I am VINDICATED I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right swear I knew it all along

No lie, I know a guy whose occupational history goes exactly from pizza delivery guy to policeman.

Netflix presents: Ernest Goes to Computer Camp

*looks around nervously*

"Oh, not scared yet? Just wait until we release…… Hold on…… Looking……looking………uhhhhh…… The unaired episodes of the Odd Couple remake!……Fear…..us?"

At what point does Hollywood pay their demands out of sheer pity?

Let's be honest, the Bush twins never did anything in moderation.

Newport never even saw it coming….

I have a coworker who went to Woodstock and hated it. He said it was raining all the time, the sound systems sucked so bad you couldn't hear unless you were in the front, and people left mud everywhere they went.

Are you saying Weird Al's not talented!?