If it helps any, I wanted to name him Ferguson, but my wife said no...

I think you need some time with an anatomy book.

I've had this one for 35 years and it's still going strong.

water proof?

Alternative title: How to Open Your Finger with a Can.

I'm from the US, the Midwest and I've never heard or seen cheese of any sort served with any flavor of pie.

I'm from Oregon, but have lived in Vancouver, BC and Lima, Peru as well, and have traveled all over the US for work. Not ever have I seen cheese on or served with apple pie, ever. Vanilla ice cream with hot apple pie, absolutely. Cheese? Nope.

"You and me both, Brother!"

Might I suggest a hobby?

All of them better than what Hitler painted.

This year I went as Lydia Deetz from the Jump in the Line scene at the end of Beetlejuice.

If by that "dude playing AC/DC," you mean the little kid, then yeah - he SUCKS.

Just to clarify, a guitar has 6 strings, I'd buy this 3 strings "guitar" in a heartbeat for my nephews, I'm a bassist and I'd like them to be musicians as well.

Did she take the out of focus picture of the ticket with Google Glass?

Correct me if I'm wrong but this is a speeding ticket, not a ticket for wearing GG. Yes she was cited for wearing GG, but the ultimate reason she was pulled over was for speeding.

Want some free candy?

From a few years ago… I might have to revisit this one.

"two words Mr President....plausible deniability"

Our author is obviously not a beer drinker. A "tapped beer" is a keg on draught. The act of hitting another person's beer with yours and causing it to foam over is called "being a fucking asshole."