Or some sub-species of beagles

Oh man.... That’s kind of good. Write this.

I still don’t understand how this wasn’t already a thing. Thank god, though.

I can hold a small puddle of water in my clavicles if I shrug my shoulders; how beautiful does THAT make me?,

A star for mentioning my favorite book series for all of middle school.

This is totally unrelated, but I had to send Elisabeth Hasselbeck a gift from Whoopi a few weeks ago, and it took everything I had not to throw that box against a wall before it went out.

I’m starring this despite moderately enjoying a few of his films.

My grandpa. Don’t know how old he was, but I really wish I could have known him then. He was always very quiet and subdued while I was growing up and this is the most animated picture I have ever seen of him.

My hometown had a Subway IN our Walmart, and then one right outside in the same plaza................. Like, why?

I would do this if 1) most of my clothes actually had functional pockets or 2) I didn't feel the need to always carry a book, notebook, hairbrush, and whatever other godforsaken objects I think I will need (but never use).

I'm serious though, I hate those brown Louis Vuitton bags with a passion. I automatically side-eye every person I see with one. Liz Lemon-style eye roll if they have a set, too.

I've always thought they were ~déclassé. Does that makes me rich?

I pretty much never venture outside of the AskReddit subreddit. I’ve not seen many things there that have made me uncomfortable, let alone offended. I’m infinitely more offended when I stumble into the comment sections of news articles. But I know there are plenty of awful people in other subreddits. So I just stay in…

Also, maybe I’m just an asshole, but you (the theoretical you) are the one choosing to get married... Why should I buy you a toaster? I haven’t even bought myself a toaster yet because I have no money!

But.... tons of Americans also do “stag and drag” parties. Literally everyone from my hometown would have one when they got engaged.

Ever since I moved here I am astounded at the profound lack of ceiling fans. I had air conditioning for a brief period as a kid, and I think my mom turned it on maybe five times in five years. Otherwise it’s been ceiling fans all the way (and honestly I kind of hate air conditioning? it gives me a headache). I’m also…

Same with the braces. I got them off RIGHT before my actual graduation, but all my pictures from that year I had braces. And I still have a hard time smiling with my teeth too.

My granny was a down in the holler coal miners daughter southerner (literal Loretta Lynn). She was whip smart despite only making it to 7th grade. Education, wealth, class, and race have NOTHING to do with a person’s worth or intelligence. Actually their perceived intelligence is IRRELEVENT. None of those things…

I know. This was really obnoxious and condescending, and not at all cute. It pissed me right the fuck off.

What’s your workaround? I’ve yet to find a good one.