And yet for some mind boggling reason, Justin Bieber still lives. This is proof of a cruel world.

You must work for a dealership that doesn’t realize there’s a bad economy right now and sales are down.

They already have a downmarket version. It's called the...Yaris. Go buy one.

I reserve my decision till Micronesia weighs in on this matter.

You’re right! I can tell by the pixels, and I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my time..

BREAKING NEWS: anything living consumes water. Film at 11...

I’ve bypassed almonds and just pan roast my bees directly.

You were thinking of croquet, which is barely one step above tiddly winks and jacks.

One thing my hygienist said about water flossers: buy one with variable strength adjustability and use as low a strength as possible, because those with just one strength can be too strong and they can erode your enamel quickly.

One thing my hygienist said about water flossers: buy one with variable strength adjustability and use as low a…

That’s because he needed something to wash the cigarette taste out of his mouth after sex.

Orange juice is mostly water, so why do we call it juice?

You’re supposed to run at least two flushes.

What happened to a good old fashioned spanking?

When you are young, your body can tolerate many traumas thrown at it. But it adds up, and one day you collapse with a crushing ailment when the body cannot take the health abuse anymore.

Honey, looks like you’re going to have to do more seasons of Suits. Daddy has a very expensive helicopter to maintain.

That’s to provide a nice refreshing taste for when your dog drinks out of the toilet.

You should try diet root beer. Because of how root beer tastes, it masks the sweetener very well. It's the only diet soda I can drink. 

Did you buy any of his stuff?

That’s just the cover charge for the privilege of covering the boat payments for your mechanic.

Bull. Shit.