That’s a brilliant phrase. 

It’s a Jeeeeep

Absolutely. The dipping belt line annoys me but it has a cool mid-century modern interior and great visibility. It’s one of the few modern BMWs (i.e. least douchy) I would consider driving.

Only if it was made by a German car company.

“It’s rai-ning Ram, Halle-lujah!...”

$15-16k for lightly used versions with under 35k miles all day long at your local CarMax.

How do you think I get paid?

That’s part of the ejection seat option pack. 

“Yeah! My prez is better than your prez!”

Holy Shite, those are stupendously cool! I’ve seen many a Twingo in Europeland but never with those wheels.

...Golf carts also don’t have a 1-ton capacity.

That guy needed a Snickers.

As the facilities manager of a (centrally located) sex cult, I’m very interested in these. Wall-mounted restraining aparati and cages, as you know, are quite bulky and heavy, but these would be able to handle them easily. I can also move several crates of dildos in one trip,whereas I currently have to arrange for a…

Like the mythical Medusa, the Silverado kills with its unfathomable horrific ugliness, be they pedestrians or other drivers.

I’m so close to liking this thing, but the pointless diagonal slash on the flanks, and fussy mini strakes on the rocker panels and fender lips are trying too hard to be 80's retro cool, or something. They seem tacked on at the last minute. I like the overall shape but yeah, it’s a little too big.

Renault did it better…

Damn that’s disappointing and depressing AF. I’m losing faith in this country. 

Those are the only choices in your mind? Really?

So much more interesting, attractive and desirable than any of the default Germans. Also, what’s the point of the snarky review? Are you implying other cars don’t depreciate? Have you seen how much value premium German cars lose after 5 years? If you’re going to bother writing an article, make it worth reading.

I’m impressed by the tech, but they all look like bars of soap with duck faces.

You’d rather have silence or the soulless whine of an electric motor? Given a choice, I’ll take an aurally interesting soundtrack since we won’t be able to make them with ICEs.