I really feel the date should have ended with a “Deere John” letter...

My dad cut school to go to the last game at Ebbets Field. He’s had a number of health issues and hospital stays recently and occasionally lapsed into states of delirium and memory glitches. During one such episode he was ranting about the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn and what, is he supposed to root for the Goddamn…

I graduated from The Citadel. We're no cupcake. A pastry, perhaps, but not a cupcake. Will we cover the spread? Nope. Will the check clear? Yep.

Best thing in the world: soft poached eggs that run all over your corned beef hash when you pop them.  

To play Devil’s Advocate for a moment here:

Do not leave windows down.

At least he was able to fulfill his childhood dream of being a conductor on a train.

You can’t “steal” a QBing job. You win it through hard work. It’s not like it’s a crab leg.

Uh, he actually did. I mean, he totally killed people, but he was also consistently productive for them, right? 

French made car? What could possibly go wrong? They’ve always been known to make the highest quality everything!

See also - metamucil. 

SUPERLATIVES NEED NO MODIFIERS (my dad says “very unique” and it makes me insane)

“you might be the type of person who has “impulse control,” and wishes to enjoy only a cookie or two a day.”

“...and just to be safe should probably avoid having kids.”

I like to call it the “Midas Well”.

Fate, or his mischievous brother Loki?

His brother is actually the Green Goblin. It all makes sense now!

“I worked as a front desk security guard including in a condo building, so yes, I’ve worked in law enforcement”