I really feel the date should have ended with a “Deere John” letter...

My dad cut school to go to the last game at Ebbets Field. He’s had a number of health issues and hospital stays recently and occasionally lapsed into states of delirium and memory glitches. During one such episode he was ranting about the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn and what, is he supposed to root for the Goddamn…

I graduated from The Citadel. We're no cupcake. A pastry, perhaps, but not a cupcake. Will we cover the spread? Nope. Will the check clear? Yep.

Best thing in the world: soft poached eggs that run all over your corned beef hash when you pop them.  

To play Devil’s Advocate for a moment here:

Do not leave windows down.

At least he was able to fulfill his childhood dream of being a conductor on a train.

You can’t “steal” a QBing job. You win it through hard work. It’s not like it’s a crab leg.

Uh, he actually did. I mean, he totally killed people, but he was also consistently productive for them, right? 

French made car? What could possibly go wrong? They’ve always been known to make the highest quality everything!

The hogshit lagoons....

They should just quit the EU or something.

Take your star. Funniest thing I’ve read in months. Thank you.

If the aliens were bright orange with blonde combovers, they might feel very welcome and comfortable.

Reminds me of a joke. Two aliens land their ship near a gas station. These particular aliens walk up to a gas pump and assume it’s a form of life. One Alien asks the gas pump “Take me to your leader”. The other alien says to his compatriot, “Hey, leave this guy alone and lets go ask someone else.” The first alien…

Don’t get too close!

that is a prudent course of action

See also - metamucil. 

SUPERLATIVES NEED NO MODIFIERS (my dad says “very unique” and it makes me insane)