“you might be the type of person who has “impulse control,” and wishes to enjoy only a cookie or two a day.”

“...and just to be safe should probably avoid having kids.”

I like to call it the “Midas Well”.

Fate, or his mischievous brother Loki?

His brother is actually the Green Goblin. It all makes sense now!

“I worked as a front desk security guard including in a condo building, so yes, I’ve worked in law enforcement”

Bert Reynolds made a 180HP Oldsmoble powered, Automatic transmissioned, malaise era Trans Am cool. THAT takes skill and talent, and why we honor him to this day.

Goddamn.

I’ve been to white church a handful of times in my life.

If the Angels were capable of making the smart long term decisions, they wouldn’t be the shitty team they are today. This whole thing is incredibly on brand.

This is the only correct take.

Wait, I’ve been led to believe that attractive, young, women would be unable to resist an accident like this. Or has TV lied to me?

I haven’t updated my AP Sytlebook since they changed their stance on “more than” vs. “over.” I still make that change in something I’m editing at least five times a week.

I get what you’re saying, but in the example I think it would more likely read, “Girl miraculously survives being hit by train.”

I hate when people say “equally as”.

Mine is the “New & Improved” for some product. It can’t be both, goddammit! If it was new, there was no previous iteration on which to improve. If it’s improved, that means there were previous iterations making said thing NOT FUCKING NEW!

I think you’re my spirit animal. I’ve canceled potential friendships when the other person said, “It’s pretty unique, actually.”

Tickle me pink!  I’m impressed.