I once got hit on by a nerdy guy who told me that in the Middle Ages, wide-set teeth were seen as a sign of a lascivious nature. I responded with “Yeah, that’s in the Prologue to the Canterbury Tales, isn’t it?” And he mumbled something and moved away. Apparently, he hadn’t actually read the source material and it put…

“squawky” “seemed like”

“Why do I like horror so much? Well, because it serves as inspiration for my sexin’ of course. No one can bite off a penis like me!”

Next time he says that, say: “And the first thing she noticed was your insecurity.” Then nod and look at his dick.

“Seemed like you did your research.”

If a Jez writer does a post and a man doesn’t approve of it, did she really write anything?

Feeling appreciated for the work you do is so soul-satisfying. Reader, did you marry him?

I wish. I’ve had pretty great luck with men but that guy was a real piece of work. I did tell him his ostrich skin cowboy boots that he’d just paid $800 for were fake. He was Danish but super into Texas culture, so I think that hurt him more than a wangpunch.

It really felt that way. The funny thing is it was only a few years ago and I can literally remember nothing else about this guy. Except my friend called him lens crafters because he had these stupid hipster glasses. That’s all I remember about him.

I was in eighth grade and mister king of junior high says to me “I know who you are you’re like the most popular girl of all the like unpopular people.”

The husband and I were at a bar, which was having a karaoke night. We’d had a bit to drink (it was our first night away from our new baby, so we were taking advantage of this big time). This particular night was the finals for a competition, so the singers were actually good. After listening to the hopefuls tear it…

The moment I meet my very short, balding blind date, he skips the introductions to say this:

(At the office) “As far as women go, you know your stuff pretty well. I hope you asked for a salary that outranks the other women lateral to your position.” Not the other men, mind you, just the other women lateral to me. I may or may not have kicked this guy in the nuts.

“You know, I usually like really skinny, pretty Barbie doll types, but I really like you. You are so real and low maintenance. I like how you don’t put so much into your appearance. You’re so real.” After I had spent 2 hours getting ready for this date...

Forget planning weddings. One day I picked my son up at daycare to discover he had gotten married to Mercedes, while their friends apparently played air mariachi. Mercedes' gigantic, tattooed, shaved-headed dad was within earshot while my son told the story, and I did not know this until he came up and said, "were you…

Agreed. Fuck this guy. I'm sure his wife, female relatives, and female friends must really fucking appreciate reading this and learning how little he thought about sexism, gender, and women's lives. How little he thought about *their* lives.

Regarding number 8. I never did the wedding play, but my little brother did constantly. Almost immediately after he could talk he wanted to marry me (his big sister), and our mom, and was devastated when he was told he couldn't marry either of us. This seemed a natural, if funny, thing, as he was a really loving kid…

9. No one ever told me how irrationally crushed I would be the first time my little girl wanted to marry the silly, handsome boy from preschool instead of me.

My daughter wants to marry me, my husband, her grandparents, etc. Marriage = party and love to her.

I have some friends with a 5-year-old girl. She definitely went through a wedding phase, but it mostly involved her playing the role of various comic book dudes and marrying me over and over. At one point she told me my last marriage to Blue Beetle had fallen through because it was "only a dream." Another time…