Are we making anagrams with Nick Young’s name? Let me try:

Are Ciara and Russell Wilson still practicing abstinence pre-marriage? Because I might be inclined to get hitched next to the dumpsters out back the 7-11 if I was on my period and ragingly horny (given these circumstances, I might also nip into the 7-11 for a quick donut or six before saying “LET’S DO THIS”). Good for…

This week I had two firsts:

My greatest evacuation horror story: full-face zit cream mask, no shoes, only wearing a t-shirt in Canadian winter. And somehow I managed to get a pair of extra-granny period undies strapped to my ankle. This was when my dorm fire alarm went off in my undergrad (I was 18). I ended up running behind the dorm and…

My Women’s Studies degree made me catch a big case of THE GAYS. It has been tough, living with THE GAYS. But unfortunately the history course I wanted to take was full and I ended up majoring in GAY NOW CUZ FEMINISM. Phew, I’m glad Toomey gets me.

What is Heidi Klum sitting next to? It looks like a weird punishment box.

Quick sidebar: when did “savage” become a thing? It makes me... uncomfortable. I can’t hear it without wincing. Ongoing colonial legacies are real. That’s my grumpy sidebar for the evening. Get off my lawn and other such grumblings.

Right?! I was thinking “could I possibly paint my kitchen to look like white bricks?” but then I ate another pack of Rolos and thought “NAHHHH. WHITE WILL ONLY EMPHASIZE THE CHOCOLATE STAINS”.

Give Ariel a call - I’m sure she can draft something dismiss-y for you to give to Ben!

Even in movies he’s better when he’s silently brooding. Because then he opens up his maw and all I can hear is “alright alright alright, BONGOS!”. Did I just date myself?

Okay, but we mean circus like Britney Spears’ “Circus”, right? Because I am dancing around in a cage with flying snakes and a whip (defs not the Minority Whip) because SOMETHING IS HAPPENING! Thank you, Dems! I’ll give you a Piece of Me because I’m feeling Lucky.

I know you meant to say that Moore and Adams’ house was ‘stocked with Perrier’... but Perrior just sounds like a hilarious knock-off brand.

I thought they were harping on me to take my B vitamins. I GET IT. B26, IS FOR BONES OR SOMETHING, RIGHT? I’VE GOT LOOSE BONES. I’LL GO TO WALGREENS RIGHT NOW.

And nobody is fighting over Broody Rooney (the worst of a mediocre bunch of Maras, methinks).

That’s what I call a mixed bag. Come for the Hoult, leave by the Moby (but slip Lochte some tongue on your way out the door).

I am reeeeallllly feeling some second-hand sorrow over the passing of Anton Yelchin. I’ve loved him since he was a wee thing in Along Came a Spider. He always had a kind, charismatic presence and there was something truly special about him. An ex of mine once said that people who don’t know a person shouldn’t be sad…

I just made myself a heaping bowl of ‘zpach (sorry, I won’t say it like that ever again) this afternoon! And I didn’t even need to look at Chrissy’s cookbook (presumably because it’s under the “stoopid recipes for fart people” section).

Ugh, I love Rob Delaney. His angry tweets about Trump are gooooollld. Also, Catastrophe. And his book was heartbreakingly funny. I just fell into a fangirl pit.

In an effort to get the poutine into my mouth faster, I ditched the fork and started to sip from the bowl like soup. That is why I now have cheese curd in my eyelashes (but refuse to leave the couch to go rinse my eyeballs). #blessed

Don’t forget the blueberry-flavored lube!