Closed circuit footage of the accident.

TIED OFF HIS TESTICLE AND PENIS WITH STRING TO KEEP HIS HARDON DURING SEX

“The Internet is a vast wormhole of darkness that eats itself.”

“The Big Burn: Teddy Roosevelt and the Fire that Saved America,” by Timothy Egan.

I am an Italian American. Every holiday is an eating holiday.

No way Trump dodges a shoe. He doesn’t have the reflexes. Jabba the Hut has a better chance of dodging a shoe. Trump is a sitting duck for a Florsheim Facial.

““SNEEZED AND A COMPUTER KEYBOARD KEY CAME OUT RT. NOSTRIL, SNEEZED AGAIN & ANOTHER ONE ALMOST CAME OUT””

1) Wow.

Trump- “hold my Adderall” Ok, to be fair it could be worse, but the year’s not over yet.

I guess it’s Frank Underarraignment now.

Wow, that’s one of the most brazenly psychotic things I’ve ever seen.

I halfway expected the shot to pan out to reveal he's carving up a teenage boy.

*Netflix launches a team of lawyers at Kevin Spacey's house*

Kinda makes me grateful that Bill Cosby didn’t see fit to respond to his charges with a Fat Albert short.

There was an old perv in Nantucket.

Fact: today was the worst Christmas Eve trading day* in history.

If it dies, it dies. 

This story is only kind of funny now because my mother survived the experience and was fine in the end. Last year, in the very early hours of Christmas morning, around 2 AM, my mom got up to go to the bathroom and had a grand mal seizure. Our dog found her on the floor and woke my dad up (good boy!) at which point the…

Why wait in a turkey line to refuse a turkey?

Harsh!! I didn’t know Leavenworth had a juvenile division.