"You knew I was a snake…"
- President-elect Donald Trump…no, seriously, he said that

Except for pie.

Poor Gretchen didn't even look all that surprised, did she? Just so sad and so, so disappointed. And Jimmy looked like he was about half a second away from having a full-on, seizing-up-and-crashing-the-car panic attack at both knowing the utter destructive stupidity of what he was doing and being completely unable to…

Jon's both-sides-ism seems pretty trite and outmoded these days.

Yep. And he just refused to listen to my shouting, "NO, JIMMY, NO! BAD JIMMY!"

Jimmy's brain just freaked out for a moment. Unfortunately, it was at a really, really bad time.

Oh, Jimmy. So horrifyingly self-destructive. So obvious. You better turn that car around before you get too far up the road, Mister, because your fiancee has a terrible Uber rating.

One of my very favorites.

Can't we all agree to stop using that word for the next…I was going to say "four years", but how about forever?

Is it a sealed room? Have you considered tear gas?

Huh, sounds kind of like the time I lost my…

"Knock the crap out of them, would you?"
- Jimmy Carter

So Trump is the Republicans' Carter?

Actually — and this is true — Russian submarines can pass over sharks without the need to jump.

The Healthy Forrests Initiative, of course, is best remembered for encouraging mentally handicapped Southern men to avoid eating entire boxes of chocolates and go for a run once in a while.

Debussy's "Clair de Lune" will never not floor me.

I read it in Donald Trump's voice and mentally added, "Very sad!"

The fact that you call making love *POP* *POP* tells me you're not ready.

Controversial idea, but why not put it on a network that, I dunno, doesn't consistently cater to the absolute lowest common denominator in its unquenchable thirst for the hollow thrill of live-plus-same-day ratings?

Tommy can you hear me?