I really don’t get why all of these seemingly fun, cool people hang out with Chelsea fricking Handler.

There are way better 90s grunge bands. Give me Sound Garden over Nirvana any day.

I love all of them and I’m pretty sure they’re all on my iPhone right now. I stopped buying music in 1999.

Veruca Salt, Buffalo Tom, Poe, The Cranberries, Pavement, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Silverchair, Garbage...

jesus fuck riz ahmed is so ridiculously good-looking, my god

the fact that you were in 6th grade in 2000 makes me want to crawl into the yawning grave and scoop dirt onto myself

holy shit! You can buy dogs that bite Lena Dunham? Sign me up.

everything he has to say about diversity is kinda bullshit?

As a fellow (male) teacher, I have to kindly advise to shut your ass up. School is not a job for these kids. Our students are not adults. If they want to dress in a way that makes them comfortable or happy, I’m all for it. If it offends your delicate sensibilities, I’m all the fuck for it even more.

Gwyneth Paltrow has a gift. She senses whenever I have utterly forgotten she exists and boom: she shows up with some obnoxious bullshit. Good job, Gwynnie. Thanks for the reminder that you suck!

Inouye Medal of Honor

this moron can’t even get through a basic intelligence briefing without colorful pictures and a tablecloth to draw on.

This infinite scrolling thing is nonsense. Before I can even push “load more” it shoots me down three articles. Fusion or whoever owns the website now needs to learn from Gawker’s mistakes and not roll out kinja updates without properly vetting them.

For a few years in college, I’d wear a tiara on Tuesdays just because.

Our five-year-old is taking a short break from wearing princess dresses or Gap clothes to wear whatever Daddy wore yesterday. So she spent yesterday in a dark blue Land’s End knit polo and today she’s wearing a men’s XL Giants jersey. I don’t know if it’s good parenting but she’s happy.

Jezebel, as much as I’d call this one of my main haunts, is horrible when it comes to female celebrities/women of note. Which it, of course, shouldn’t be.

Go to the gift table, leave a card saying “What a beautiful day! I hope you enjoy the gift!”, then take half a dozen cards off their gifts, and scatter them.

The best wedding gift:

I told all my married friends that if I wasn’t married by 30 then they’d get a birthday registry from me, because I deserve a KitchenAid too, dammit.

I’ll support your nerf bat legislation if you support my policy that if someone stands on the walking side of the escalator you’re allowed to push them over the side.