"Peter Jackson comes to me in New Zealand and said to me: Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the Wizard. And I said to him: You are aware that I am not really a wizard?"

Oh, fuck no. I'd rather fantasize about having the time and money to re-do my own kitchen.

People who talk about "Canadian politeness" have obviously forgotten that Quebec is part of Canada. I've genuinely enjoyed the company of most Quebecois I met living in Vermont, but "polite" is not a word I'd use to describe them.

"One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?"

I live in the same neighborhood as Yeshiva University. The Orthodox requirements of beard-wearing are definitely a burden to some of these kids. A patchy, hideous burden.

It's better than bad, it's good!

Non-rural people with beards who dress as though they're just about to run out the door, grab a chainsaw, and clear land for a food plot as soon as they finish their $20 artisanal gin cocktail.

"If you loved The X Files, you'll love X Teens! You like Fox Mulder?"

Big Asses Quarterly

That, and odd numbers are bad luck. They don't sell beer in FIVE-packs!

Free meat pies will be served at select tour dates. DO NOT EAT THE PIES.

"You call me a Nazi one more time, you queer, I'll sock you in the jaw and you'll stay plastered!" - William F. Buckley

Yeah, what the other guy said. If you hate Chris Brown, you obviously spend your nights clubbing black children in the street. Racist.

You can only hate one thing at once? Lucky devil.

"WHAT………….oh shit, broke my period key and don't know how to end this sentence

The TCNs at our airbase in Qatar (OEF, '01-'02) took their job really seriously, and we would constantly complain about the lack of bacon with breakfast. They apparently had a meeting and decided that, even though bacon is haram, they could prepare it for us with a minimum of interaction, and Allah would be cool with…

I believe the phrase is "Tacos Bell."

"WHAT………………………………………………………………..DOES………………………………………A……………………………………………….YELLOW…………………………………………LIGHT……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….MEAN?"

Exacta-ly!

Now THAT's the Great Job, Internet! I've been waiting for: Travis Bickle working for the Sunshine Cab Company.