Vytautas, the team in which LaMelo and LiAngelo Ball will join Tuesday, just lost by 57 points to BC Lietuvos Rytas. Final: 113-56.

Did you realize everybody who plays for the Patriots isn’t from New England? That might impact their ability to drive in the snow. I’m assuming you don’t do that kind of critical thinking on your job tho lol

My first and last name both translate basically to “God’s gift” in Hebrew, and I am sick of that fucking pressure.

The definition Google provides actually says “an unbranded calf or yearling,” so a horse is still appropriate.

Newsflash: you’re a humorless twat who is probably overpaid at $18 an hour. I bet your coworkers can’t fucking stand your endless hot taeks

Belichick: [promises self to be the mega-asshole who shows up to work before everyone else]

Can’t get caught with James Harrison’s steroids supplier if everyone outside the team is home for a blizzard

It still might be!

“Bet you can’t shoot that shot glass out your rectum”

• “AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”

That guy is giving a bad name to rapist quarterbacks.

A lot of people are going to try to tell you different, but let me assure you: you are exactly the right amount of upset about this.

You forgot to wish him AIDS

I’m starting to think that all that talk of Jameis being a mature and stable man might not have been true, guys.

You, sir, just made an enemy for life.

“There ain’t no North Pole, thus there ain’t no Christmas”

As opposed to the rest of the scholars that get “accepted” to Michigan to play football?

Ah also wish to complain about Yankees spendin’ too much in pursuit of victory

[To daughter, pointing at drugs] “You can’t touch this!”

He has one magic power and that is shrinking.