The moral of the story is that Meena Kar and the Thai Indian News will believe anything you tell them and is hence forth granted right of first refusal to break any future ETW Corp.-approved news items.

He just went to Oxford to seek refuge from those jazzcore bullies who kept stealing his wine money and breaking his saxophone reeds.

Tiger ran scared as hell out of the house (which is why he had on no shoes)

It's the cushiest job in sports . . .

. . . including speaking of the perils of dogfighting on behalf of the Humane Society.

If you knew your boss were going to read it, would it embarass you?

This went about as well as that time those Vassar girls found out that the "preferred housing" option I offered was actually my basement.

Mayweather's record, if he calls off this fight:

I suggest socks with Michael Beasley's tattoos printed on them.

. . . the administrators left off the plane will fly commercial all the way to Arizona.

@roland_t_flakfizer: He was actually taking a break from being one of the infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters hammering random keys in an effort to complete a bootleg copy of the entire works of Shakespeare.

I already have to worry about one scary gay tyrant breathing down my neck, now I have to worry about two?

I guess we know who's going to pay $3,000 for that picture of Kobe with his wife at the prom.

@dont-forget-where-you-came-from-cheese mac: It was all in the execution: instead of mincing about with a snifter of Cognac you should have regurgitated a handle of Applejack.

I already caught my Philadelphia Eagles robot training my Pound Puppies to fight each other while my Pete Rose Starting Lineup figure set lines and accepted wagers.

(like the fans at a Miami Heat game)

Is anyone hearing one of these MNF guys praise Albert Haynesworth's boxing technique? If what I just saw is any indication, dude couldn't beat Paulie Malignaggi.

I don't know what to hate most, Chicago the band, Chicago the musical, or Chicago the Cubs.

@Steve U: That's where the gift certificate is for, but what's $50 going to get you, like two appetizers and a club soda?

@Phintastic: I call bullshit; there is no way they know to put "Roman" and "Coliseum" in the same sentence.