Or on an MSNBC "news" cast?

You say that like the energy companies don’t care if their profits dissipate into the atmosphere and open themselves to lawsuits. But I guess I don’t understand business.

I don’t think the point is that he didn’t hurt anyone this time. The point is don’t try to cross-check the fuck out of someone, because it’s definitely against the rules.

I think when you’re that close to all the power, you want to puff out your chest and be the boss of the world. I only trust Sanders and Paul to resist it.

Those youngsters and their new-fangled things. I want to ban funny nicknames too. They irritate me.

LOUD NOISES!!

Just admit it, Deadspin. You have a crush on Johnny and you're jealous.

A liberal judging a Republican debate is like a vegetarian judging a barbecue contest...

Is there some unwritten offsides rule that only the players enforce? Is someone getting kicked in the nuts as retribution at some future time?

I believe scholars interpret the term miscarriage in this case to mean born prematurely. Ironically, I suppose.

Because Gawker.

You said “white condescension”, but why couldn’t it have been “Hollywood condescension” or “female condescension”? Or maybe just "Osborne condescension"? Anytime you try to attribute a behavior to a race, you're being a racist, you know.

I dunno about putting an overweight person on ephedrine and caffeine. Seems a little risky and quick-fixey, doesn’t it? Couldn't they just cut daily calories to 2500 or so and skip the speed? Or maybe take a walk?

You can’t have Tim Teufel without Jim Gott. We gotta keep the spiritual world in balance.

As a Rangers fan (and Astros fan until they joined the American League, and then got good) I’m excited that we have a real honest-to-goodness, intra-state rival. I’m working on building up my Astro-hate, but it’s going to take some time, because they're so darned cute and cuddly.

All slopes are uphill.

I don’t know much about soccer, but I think the ref missed a serious push in the back on the Nigerian goal.

Mountain Dew is a helluva drug.

Josh Hamilton was thought to have burned bridges when he left Arlington for Anaheim, but he's returned with very positive reviews and almost no animosity. Do you think you could return to the Rangers with no ill will? Or would there be too much tension?

Meh. Houston is still the armpit of Texas. But only another Texan is allowed to say that! Anyone else says it, WE'RE FIGHTIN'!